Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 18 August 2012

image for Anger As Pussy Riot Vatican Gig Cancelled
A member of Pussy Riot, yesterday.

There was anger and condemnation today from the Vatican, over the jailing of little known punk band Pussy Riot in Russia.

The group was booked to play at the Popes 'Jesus Rocks' benefit concert next weekend, but the sentencing of the ladies in Moscow has put a 'dampener' on proceedings, say Vatican officials.

'His Popeliness was most upset,' said a spokesman 'he cried a bit, and then kicked a passing cat, he was that distressed. He kept wailing 'why, God, why?', but as usual he never got an answer.'

The band were due to appear with other such luminaries as Rotting Christ and JLS at the event, held each year in aid of raising awareness of Jesus our Lord and Saviour. Attendances have been in excess of 100,000 in past years.

'I think the girls have done a lot for raising awareness of the church in the media of late,' said Dr Rowan Williams, Arch Bishop Of Canterbury, from his plush home in Charlbury, 'and it's a shame they won't be there, but they did do a naughty thing, so it's up to God to judge them now. Well, after the courts and media, obviously!'

The girls, famed for wearing stupid hats and not dancing very well in front of shaky cameras, were jailed for performing in a church in Russia, sparking controversy and a backlash from the world's leading musicians, and Madonna.

'It's terrible that freedom of speech is not accepted in other countries,' said a distressed Paul McCartney, speaking freely from his castle walls in Scotland.

Dappy from N'dubz told us 'who?'

And even mild mannered Ed Sheeran complained 'I'll perform, if there's a concert going to free them. Can I? Please, oh go on, I'll do it for free...'

But not everyone was so upset.

Robbie Williams told us 'it's actually a shame that we don't have the same attitudes over here, to be honest. If singing in church was a criminal offence Sir Cliff would have been inside a long time ago. Fair play, I say!'

Us too, Bob. Us too.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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