Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 16 August 2012

image for Kate Gosselin Dumps Russell Brand
Kate Gosselin is 37, but she has the body of a 27-year-old. (Photo courtesy of Steven Tyler).

READING, Pennsylvania - The woman who is employed as Kate Gosselin's nanny Mindy Lulu Lickenfeister has stated that Kate is devastated at boyfriend Russell Brand's infidelity.

Gosselin, 37, was told by a close friend that iRumors reporter Taffeta Kixx had reported that Brand was seen in his red BMW parked below the Hollywood sign with the much tattooed Kat Von D and the two were allegedly engaged in some big time tongue wrestling.

At first Kate "The Great," as former boyfriend Steven "Lips" Tyler had nicknamed her, did not believe it but after she saw several photos on the entertainment news show iRumors she realized that it was in fact true.

Kate immediately called up Russell and she gave him a piece of her mind yelling that if he was going to cheat on her at least he could have picked some woman who does not look like a carnival sideshow freak.

Russell is reported to have joked that Scarlett Johansson, Brooklyn Decker, and Kate Upton were unavailable.

Gosselin told Russell "Sniffles" Brand that he was not going to play games behind her back and that she had decided to break up with him.

He told her that he loved her with all his heart, his soul, and his crotch. She said she did not care. He then told her that all eight of her kids liked the hell out of him.

Kate shook her head and remarked that the eight kids will just have to unlike the hell out of him because it's over.

She said that she would rather go out with stupid looking, arrogant, sarcastic jerks like Jeffrey Ross or Gilbert Gottfried than to be seen in the company of an unfaithful twit with an extremely pronounced British accent.

SIDENOTE: Kate reportedly received a text message from ex-boyfriend Steven Tyler telling her to hang in there and that she got over him and she can certainly get over that bottom-feeding Rusty "Dusty" Brand.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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