Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 12 August 2012

image for Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner To Star In The Vampire Adventure "The Bloodhounds of Bakersfield"
A Northern California cabin that Rob Pattinson and Kristen used to rent before she cheated on him. (Photo by El NiƱo).

HOLLYWOOD - Kristen Stewart told her agent that she is tired of sitting around crying like a two-year-old baby with a wet diaper and feeling sorry for herself and has asked him to please find her a motion picture that she can get lost in.

He presented her with several scripts but as soon as Kristen read the script to The Bloodhounds of Bakersfield which is based on the book of the same name by noted vampire writer Calypso Biggletoast, she decided that, that was the movie for her.

And when she learned from the film's director, Bellanino Terrabini that she would be starring opposite Taylor Lautner she definitely knew she had made the right choice.

The movie is set in the California seaside town of Ventura. Kristen will be portraying a Burger Bandit Restaurant drive thru window employee/vampire named Demonia Altanueva.

And Taylor Lautner will be portraying her on-again, off-again unemployed tree trimmer/vampire boyfriend Dante Dissacooney.

Without giving away too much of the plot Altanueva and Dissacooney end up getting married in Oxnard and then move to Bakersfield.

On their third month anniversary they are arrested after they hold up a local IHIPHOP Soul Food Restaurant and escape with $87.31.

Demonia Altanueva receives a sentence of 18 years in The Zsa Zsa Gabor Prison For Women in Los Angeles and Dante Dissacooney receives a 19 year sentence in The Captain Kangaroo Prison For Men in La Brea.

Tapioca Swizzle of Tittle Tattle Tonight, is reporting that Stewart is still devastated at the fact that her ex-boyfriend Rob Pattinson has not accepted her apologies for her notorious indiscretions with accent coach Rayburn Fandersketti.

K-Stew, 22, has repeatedly tried to tell Rob that Ray-Fan, who is 41, is old enough to be her father for goodness sakes. She has also stated emphatically that he is not exactly Brad Pitt in the looks department.

R-Pattz has said that he is not interested in hearing any of her creative, school girl sob stories and all that he wants from her is to be given full custody of their dog Twilighter.

In the mean time, Mr. Terrabini has met with Miss Stewart and he has made it perfectly clear to her that he will not tolerate any of her brokenhearted antics in regards to Mr. Pattinson.

He let her know in no uncertain terms that he did not come all the way from Italy to America to play Mr. Fixer of Broken Hearts, especially when it is she who strayed out of the relationship.

In Sports Related News. The Los Angeles Lakers number one fan actor Jack Nicholson is reportedly so happy at the Lakers getting Steve Nash and now Dwight Howard that he has invited the entire team to his Hollywood Hills mansion for a good old-fashioned California-style barbecue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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