Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 5 September 2012

image for Kristen Stewart Turns Down The Starring Role In "Trampires of The Damned"
Bedroom Pillow Talk is reporting that K-Stew is so depressed she is eating 3 pepperoni pizzas daily.

LOS ANGELES - Reports coming out of Tinsel Town are that Kristen Stewart is still pretty much in hiding since the revelations of her indiscretions hit the fan so to speak.

Stewart had been in talks with Tri-Moon films about starring in Sheboygan Saddlewood's nymphomaniacal vampire epic Trampires of The Damned.

But when it was revealed that she had been unfaithful to her boyfriend and fellow Twilight star Rob Pattinson everything was suddenly put on hold; or as President Obama says, "I done went and hit the pause button y'all."

Every entertainment news media publication and magazine is reporting that Stewart has pleaded with Pattinson to forgive her for her getting involved in numerous bouts of vo-di-oh-doe-ing, or as they call it in Mississippi doing the horizontal hokey pokey.

Kris has assured Rob that she has no idea what in the world she saw in her accent coach on the film Snow White And The Huntsman.

She stressed that the 41-year-old geezer is old enough to be her father and that she thinks now that he may have swept her off her feet by feeding her lines such as that she was way prettier than Katherine Jenkins, Stacy Keibler, and Megan Fox, all put together.

Stewart also said that Rayburn Fandersketti would tell her that she had the greatest looking legs since Aphrodite and the prettiest boobs since Cleopatra.

In Breaking News. iRumors is reporting that Mitt Romney is seriously considering dropping Paul "Lyin" Ryan as his vice-presidential running mate and replacing him with Florida Senator Marco Rubio.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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