Britain was reeling from the shock news this weekend that Simon Cowell's bush is shaped like his head.
Topiarist to the stars Louie Spence said: "Yes it's true dahling, Simon asked me to shape his bush to look like his head. I was shocked at first but I soon rose to the challenge.....I am soooo supple you see. Now when I go to Si's the first thing I do is admire his bush dahling".
"But why did he have it done?" our reporter wanted to know.
"Something to do with giving head dahling and being able to admire one's bush at the same time......or somesuch dahling" he minced slinging his left leg around his neck.
Sir Montague Hedger, Britain's top topiary expert and historian had this to say -
"Head-shaped bushes are nothing new. It is well known that Queen Victoria and Prince Albert favoured head-shaped bushes".
The last word must surely go to Simon's old sparring partner leprechaun Louis Walsh.
"Begorrah....will yer man Cowell say anything to keep his name in the papers? That's nuttin.....my knob is shaped like my head to be sure.....or so I'm told......often".