Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 22 July 2012

image for Ricky Gervais Quitting Hollywood
Gervais was given the nickname "Jaws" by Vice-President Joe Biden.

SAN FRANCISCO - Ricky Gervais was in San Francisco visiting the famed former federal prison Alcatraz.

Gervais stated that as a young boy growing up in Whitley Berkshire, England, he always dreamed of one day visiting the infamous American prison where the likes of criminals such as Al Capone, "Machine Gun" Kelly, Alvin Karpis, and Robert Stroud AKA "The Birdman of Alcatraz were imprisoned.

"Jaws" Gervais, as Vice-President Joe Biden calls him, said that he even recalls portraying Al Capone in a school play when he was in the second grade.

He said that he learned to talk like Al Capone by listening to Tony Bennett records.

Gervais was recently asked by Hollywood Vis-รก-Vis reporter Dylan Fresco how things were going for him in Tinsel Town. The comedian took a sip of his Heineken Beer, shook his head, and replied that things are pretty much at a standstill.

He stated that since his last big gig as host of The Golden Globe Awards he has not really done anything that he could really talk about except for a beer drinking appearance on his fellow Englishman Piers Morgan's talk show.

Rick said that he realizes that the average American viewer just does not appreciate having an outsider come in and criticize the heck out of celebrities like Tom Cruise, Jay Leno, Joan Rivers, and Boo Boo Stewart.

He laughed as he said that he was actually emailed a list with the names of 2,704 names that he was not supposed to insult, attack, or speak ill about.

When asked who had sent him the list, he giggled, took three sips of beer, and answered that the list came from Vice-President Joe Biden.

He then added that at the very bottom the vice-president had notated that the U.S. government currently has enough information on him to deport him back to the U.K. immediately.

Gervais disclosed that as a result the only three people he can actually talk about are Mitt Romney, Sean Hannity, and Ann Coulter, who he added are all about as interesting as a yellow, number 2, lead pencil.

He then remarked that he is going to sit down with his girlfriend of 30 years Jane "Patience" Fallon and will probably decide to quit Hollywood and move back to England.

In Other News. The long forgotten Dixie Chicks reportedly received $35 to perform at a birthday party for 100-year-old Claudette Gladys Heatherslaw at The Prunes & Mush Old Folks Home in Muskogee, Oklahoma.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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