The real Batman, Gotham billionaire, Bruce Wayne, today lambasted the various motion pictures depicting his superhero adventures, by saying that the raft of treatments were unrealistic, and quite simply, just not dark enough.
"It was much darker than that, back in the day," Wayne, 82 told reporters from a dilapidated cobweb strewn cave, which he claimed once housed the Batmobile. "The nights were so dark, that quite often, you couldn't even see your hand in front of your face. Especially so, if you were wearing black gloves at the time. Plus, I was clinically depressed back then, so fighting Jokers and Penguins and stuff was really quite a heck of a chore."
Retired supervillain, The Penguin, aka Daniel DeVito, 91, surprisingly offered sympathy from his home in Pensacola, Florida.
"These representations aren't a strictly accurate record," The Penguin declared. "I felt that I was misrepresented, and I'm sure that Brucey was too. For example: I was never keen on sushi, or raw fish of any kind. I preferred to tuck into a nice steak and kidney pie, with chips and gravy, the kinda thing that the Ken Mither Yorkshire guy keeps promoting online, but I guess that didn't fit in with the director's vision. Same kinda thing with Bruce, as I recall. He never acted like a frickin' bat. I mean, he never hung upside down from the ceiling eating moths, or any of that stuff. He always seemed kind of preoccupied to me. You know? Like he had problems going on in his head. Frankly I wasn't surprised to hear that - Robin and Batwoman were a real pain in the ass, with their youthful enthusiasm, zest for life, dietary fads and all that. All in all, it's no surprise to discover that the Batguy was always a trifle nuts."
"The Penguin really said that?" Bruce Wayne commented. "That kinda surprises me. I always had him figured as a creepy little guy who smelled real bad, of, like. halibut or something and had a thing about zoos."
Bruce Wayne then went on to describe how he became so depressed at the height of his crimefighting career, that he occasionally felt suicidal, and touched on his personal battles with alcohol and drugs.
"He was a pretty weird guy," former supervillain, Catwoman reported. "He once caught me red handed robbing a bank vault, and I came on to him, but he didn't respond. It was sad really - he just seemed spaced out, sorta like a zombie, even though my rubber catsuit was ripped in all the right places...it was a lost opportunity and that's for sure."
"I did that?" Bruce Wayne commented. "Or rather, I didn't do that? I have no recollection of the incident, but I guess she's right. That's the 'missed opportunity' of a lifetime. Mind you, it doesn't really surprise me - considering how hot and itchy the Batsuit could get. You'd be hard pressed to find a more effective contraceptive."
Supervillain, Bane, remarked:
"I get where ole 'Bats In The Belfry' is coming from as regards the movies. They don't tell anything like the whole story. A lot of people think that it was me that finally pushed him over the edge, but he was as crazy as a March hare before I ever got involved. The truth is that all that supervillainy and superhero crimefighting crap came about at a very depressing time for all concerned. We all had our demons to fight - with me it was bourbon and crystal meth. Sadly, ole Bats would take anything he could get his hands on..."
Speaking from a gated community in West Palm Beach, Florida, probably Batman's arch enemy, Nick Leith Jackleson-Hedger III, aka The Joker, who now makes a living dealing in designer drugs and international money laundering as a Director of HSCB, had this to say:
"I had the last laugh. I always do. It was a bad time that left its scars, both physical, and emotional, but I finally screwed the Bat. Royally. Oh yes!"
"I guess he did too," Bruce Wayne admitted, as he read The Joker's statement. "It's all over for me now. I think I'll just do some bath salts and then go out and bite a tramp's face off or something."
'The Dark Knight Rises' is showing in theaters now.
And in Bruce Wayne's head.
More as we get it.