Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 2 July 2012

image for Tom Cruise Is So Devastated About The Divorce That He Says He May Retire From Making Motion Pictures
The infamous couch that Cruise jumped on when he appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show. (NOTE: The sofa has been redone).

HOLLYWOOD - Friends of Tom Cruise are expressing concern and worry over the fact that he is taking the divorce very, very hard.

A close friend of Tom's, who did not want his name revealed, stated that he spent a few hours with Tom at a local Pompous Pizza Parlor in Pomona and that Tom just sat staring at the pepperoni slices.

He finally said that the pizza had a total of 37 pepperoni slices on it. The close friend said that he was shocked to see Tom take the Parmesan container and put about two ounces of Parmesan in his glass of tea.

When told what he had done, Tom simply laughed and said that he always pours two ounces of Parmesan in his tea unless he's drinking Diet Dr. Pepper and then he pours two ounces of Parmesan in that.

His friend asked how he was feeling. Tom took a deep breath. He reached down and grabbed a pepperoni slice without touching it and flipped it in his mouth.

He then remarked that he feels like he's an 1870s Union Pacific Railroad train and it has just been held up by Frank and Jessie James.

He commented that he feels like a piece of cornbread in Wynonna Judd's hand, and that he also feels like a placebo pill in Lindsay Lohan's mouth.

Cruise said that he tried to laugh about a joke that he heard Jay Leno tell about a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walking into a bar but he couldn't.

He then said that he tried reciting knock-knock jokes but that just made him sadder and tons more depressed because all he ever answered was "Nobody."

Tom says that Katie (Holmes) filing for divorce has left him so devastated that he cannot even eat his favorite dish, Barbecued Sardines Stuffed With Habanero Peppers.

He even mentioned to his hair stylist FuFi Fondue that he may just retire from the movie making business.

Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, and Guy Fieri have all called and tried to cheer him up but Tom told them all to just please leave him alone.

DeGeneres and Fieri said okay. But Winfrey pointed out "Well I guess you be's feelin' kinda silly ova dat 2005 couch jumpin incident now, huh Tommy?"

Tom's maid Marquesa Brinkbiddy says that he just sits in his master bedroom counting the hairs on his arms while listening to Smokey Robinson's "The Tears of A Clown" over and over and over.

In Happier News. Vice-President Joe Biden has just called up The Political Salad Bar Magazine and told the editor that he is thrilled that President Obama has just given him a 45 percent raise.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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