Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 1 July 2012

image for Simon Cowell Has Narrowed His Choice For X-Factor Host Down To Five Individuals
Simon Cowell says that he really loves having Britney Spears sit next to him at the X-Factor judges table.

LOS ANGELES - Simon Cowell, the man who single-handedly brought back the black T-shirt sat all alone in a booth at The Cackle Cackle Chicken Diner in Avocado Heights.

A person in the next booth who would only give her initials (H.U.) told Bedroom Pillow Talk that she could clearly hear Cowell, the creator of X-Factor, talking on his cell phone.

It appeared that he was talking to one of his brand new judges Britney Spears since the unnamed patron noted that she overheard him mention the words lip syncer, which everyone knows are associated with Spears.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I made a few phone calls and found out that the unnamed patron is Hazeleen P. Uptontocker, 19, who works as a fry cook at a Burger Bandit in Cucamonga.]

Cowell, who is known by half a dozen nicknames including, "The Sultan of Sarcasm" said that the list of possible X-Factor hosts originally included 1,713 names.

The man who reportedly secretly dated Paula Abdul and Ke$ha (at the same time) has just informed Sangria Wine of TV ClickerWorld that the list is now down to just five names.

Ms. Wine asked the "Viceroy of Venom" who the final five where. Simon smiled as he puffed on his ever-present Marlboro Cigarette and revealed the five names in no particular order; Kirstie Alley, Betty White, Gary Busey, Dolly Parton, and Hank Williams Jr.

Ms Wine was shocked to say the least. Simon then told her that he has decided to actually go with two hosts this year as opposed to the standard one employed by most music reality shows.

When he was asked why he simply replied, "Because I am Simon Cowell that's why."

"Really?" Wine asked.

Simon then said that the reason why he wants two hosts is so that hopefully they will develop a type of chemistry where they pretend that one knows more about what is going on than the other. He said that he would like for the hosts to develop a type of 'love-hate' relationship to help boost the ratings.

Cowell revealed that he has personally met with the five remaining individuals that are in the running and all are chomping at the bit to get the coveted job especially Gary Busey since he is unemployed.

Wine asked him who he feels he may choose. He grinned as he took three puffs from his Marlboro and said that he keeps changing his mind but that as of right now it could possibly end up being the charming Gary Busey and the well-endowed Dolly Parton.

Simon, ever the master showman coyly added, or it could very well end up being someone else totally.

In Political News. Mitt Romney said that he feels so bad at the way that Ann Curry was unfairly kicked off the Today Show that if he is elected president he will offer her the official White House press secretary job.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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