Written by queen mudder
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Friday, 29 June 2012

image for Tom Cruise's excruciating sofa moment the tipping point behind imminent divorce
The writing's been on the wall in the Cruise family kitchen for months now

Los Angeles - Katie Holmes has been haunted horribly by re-runs of that 2006 Oprah couch jumping escapade vid.

Today years of excruciating matrimonial embarrassment culminated in her filing for divorce from husband Tom Cruise.

Commenting on the shock announcement the astrology correspondent at ironic - er...iconic! - celebwatch website LA HagFagSlagMag.con said she wasn't at all surprised by Katie's actions.

"This divorce filing's been a long time coming," Celeste Magenta tweeted at crunchtime today, "made against today's horrendous zodiac backdrop.

"Think of it as a slow-burn abscess that's been waiting to burst under baleful auspices...and you won't be far wrong."

A Sun-Pluto opposition in the signs of Capricorn and Cancer is compounded by the Sun's harsh square with the planet Uranus.

These heavenly bodies were all working in beautiful harmony when Kate and Tom first stepped out together but deteriorated rapidly with the slow realization that 'Katie had married an ass'.

Five years and one gorgeous little daughter later sees the gamin Mrs Cruise set to gain a cool five hundred million bucks in what divorce attorneys are confident is an 'amicable' split.

"She's worth every penny of that and doesn't he know it," Los Angeles attorney-at-law Melvin Barg commented.

Their Church of Scientology masters can expect a handsome cut.

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