Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 28 June 2012

image for Johnny Depp Dumps Vanessa Paradis and Quickly Rebounds With The Erotically Sexy Amber Beard
Depp is said to be worth $350 million and Paradis could end up with half of it. (Photo courtesy of Oprah Winfrey).

NEW YORK CITY - In a rebounding move that any NBA player would be proud of Johnny Depp has just dumped his girlfriend of 14 years, Vanessa Paradis and instantly jumped up and hooked up with the very attractive, sexy, actress Amber Beard.

Pico de Gallo of Tittle Tattle Tonight reported that Depp broke up with Vanessa due to the fact that she was cooking his meals using too many carbohydrates.

Depp noted that he had warned Vanessa at least 17 times during the past two weeks but she simply chose to ignore his wishes and so he had no choice but to show her the door.

Paradis meanwhile paints a completely different picture as she told de Gallo that it was her that did the dumping and the reason why she dumped Juanito, as she calls him, was due to the fact that every night in his sleep he would make all kinds of romantic sounds while uttering Amber's name.

Vanessa said that she finally got tired of it after he began saying things in his sleep like "Amber my darling, you are much sexier than Vanessa, Amber my sweetheart, your lips are so much tastier than Vanessa's, and the clincher, Amber my lover, you're (blank) is so much prettier than Vanessa's."

Johnny was told about Vanessa commenting that he talks in his sleep and he denied it saying that when he is asleep he has been told by past lady friends that he mumbles words that are completely indiscernible.

In the meantime, he has already bought the astoundingly sensuous Amber a 2013 fully loaded BMW, a $6,000 purse imported from Sweden, and a horse which she has named "Giddy Up."

SIDENOTE: In an interesting legal move. Vanessa has secured the legal services of Gloria Allred and Johnny has hired Ginger Allred, Gloria's cousin.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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