Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 23 June 2012

image for Wynonna Judd Gets Hitched In A Country-Fried Wedding
Rev. Randy "Bullets" Burntwater married Wynonna Judd and Scott "Cactus" Moser. (Photo by Eva Longoria).

FRANKLIN, Tennessee - There were no fancy limos in the driveway, no expensive designer dresses to be admired, and no fancy-smelling fragrances imported from the most expensive perfume shops in Paris.

But there were lots of "Howdies," "Evenin' Ma'ams," and "Yippie-Ki-Yay's."

The only member of the media who was allowed to attend, what Cowboy Troy called "An Out Yonder Shindig" was Chipper Caruso with Cowbell Notes Music Magazine.

Caruso is one of the few country music reporters who has never referred to Wynonna's weight. While others have said that she looks like Ronald McDonald on steroids, or that she looks like a double-wide trailer, or even that she can probably out eat the Dallas Cowboys, Caruso has always been kind to the [OXYMORON ALERT] little woman.

Wynonna, who is considered to be one of the "Matron Mamas" of country music, got herself hitched up with a feller for the third time.

The new groom is Scott "Cactus" Moser, 55, who is the drummer in Wynonna's band. The two first met in Chattanooga, Tennessee, in 2009, at The 87th Annual Chattanooga Cricket Chirping Contest.

Moser's pet cricket "Black Beauty" won the championship title but was later disqualified when it was learned (through watching a video replay) that "Black Beauty" had been observed chirp syncing with Moser actually doing the cricket chirping without having his lips move.

Moser was fined $900 and told to never set foot in the city of Chattanooga again. "Black Beauty" was taken into custody and now lives in a very nice insect farm located in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.

Wynonna, who is very frugal, stated that she just wanted a very simple little ol' country-style wedding.

Her and "Cactus" were married while sitting on donkeys. The preacher who married them Rev. Randy "Bullets" Burntwater also sat atop a donkey.

Music was provided by Wynonna's Uncle Titus Webwoody who played the wedding march on his Hohner Harmonica.

Rev. Burntwater later entertained the crowd with his impersonations of President Barack Obama, "First Mama" Michelle Obama, Nadya Suleman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Shakira.

Afterwards Uncle Titus played country songs that the wedding guests requested to dance to including such country classics as "If Your Phone Don't Ring, It's Me," "Take Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth, Cause I'm Kissin' You Goodbye," "I'm sorry I Made You Cry, But At Least Your Face Is Cleaner" and Wynonna and Scott's personal favorite, "Since You Bought The Waterbed, We're Slowly Drifting Apart."

Some of the invited guests included Carrie Underwood, Cowboy Troy, Eva Longoria, Ashton Kutcher, Manu Ginobili, and the winner of this year's edition of Dancing With The Stars, Green Bay Packers receiver Donald Driver.

The uninvited guests included Bucky Cottonrock, Ethylette Youngboo, and Cooter Chugsty, Jr. But the three were quickly ushered out by the 6-foot-5-inch tall Cowboy Troy real fast.

SIDENOTE: After a quick honeymoon trip to Cleveland, the couple will reside on Wynonna's 500 acre ranch El Rancho Sancho.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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