Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 22 June 2012

image for Reg Bond - "My Nights Of Hell With Kristen Stewart!"
Billy Blowlamp - Still Waiting.

Aspiring Burnley chip shop proprietor and former bodyguard to the stars, Reg Bond, today revealed the shocking truth of his interminable "nights of hell" with Twilight Star, Kristen Stewart.

Speaking from his shared room in a B&B in Burnley's Duke Bar area, a clearly edgy Reggie chain smoked and took long swallows from a two litre bottle of 'Greased Lightning' superstrength cider, (abv 11%) as he described his days working as Ms Stewart's minder.

"It were sheer hell," Reg said in a cracked voice. "I started working for Kristen at about the time they were wrapping Twilight up, and it were just obvious that the poor lasses' hormones were all over the shop. Proper moody she were. Yon Pattinson bloke were all over her like a bloody rash. Followed her about like a puppy, he did, the soppy sod. She couldn't go for a shite without him tagging along."

A transparently emotional Reg Bond went on to relate how the pretty young actor became torn between her bodyguard and her co-star. Going on to say that he would have derived great pleasure from 'kicking the bollocks off' Rob Pattinson.

"He were a right smarmy get, that one," Reg said angrily. "I reckon he messed things up between me and Kristen. Mind you, she never said that she were fallin' in love wi' me or owt like that, but she'd give me that look. Tha knows? All smouldering and pouty lipped, like. There was one time she tried to take me to one side, but yon bloody Pattinson poked his sneck in again. I reckon she were about to ask me to elope with her to Mexico, or Niagara Falls or summat. But yon bloody Pattinson put his oar in and knackered that up."

Reg Bond then told how Kristen Stewart sacked him after he allegedly stole a $50 bill from her purse, in order to go drinking in a Hollywood bar with an alcoholic ex-Marine known as 'Crazy Charlie' who had his legs blown off by a claymore mine in Vietnam in 1973.

However, Reg Bond insists that his dismissal was unjust, and attributes the incident to a long standing grudge against him by love rival Robert Pattinson. When asked how he felt about the situation today, Reg Bond had this to say:

"That's it mate. I can't get too into this. Can I have me money now? It's all just too emotional to talk about, and besides, Paraffin Pete and Billy Blowlamp are waiting for me dahn at Yates's Wine Lodge. Only - I promised I'd sub 'em a ten spot each 'til Giro day. Does tha get me drift?"

Probably.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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