Written by John Butler
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Topics: Alcohol, abuse

Wednesday, 24 May 2006

image for Drunkenness Splits from Alcohol
Images such as these will soon become a thing of the past as results from yesterday's referendum confirmed Drunkeness's split from Alcohol

Drunkenness has narrowly voted to secede from its union with Alcohol, results from yesterday's global referendum on substance-abuse say.

The head of Drunkenness's electoral commission, Guido Buchwald, said 55.4% of voters had voted for Drunkeness to renounce its long held alliance with Alcohol, just above the 55% required for victory.

Drunkenness will now become an independent mental state free of Alcoholic rule. The ruling states that a condition of Drunkenness can now be reached whenever a person wishes and without recourse to liquid intoxicants provided that persons under the the age of 18 have sought permission from a parent or guardian.

Barry Souzeman, head of the Free-Drunkenness Campaign explained, "This is wonderful news. It means if a person wants to be drunk, all they have to do now is ask their brain, "hey brain can you make me drunk" and automatically they will be drunk. It will save the average Joe Sixpack thousands of dollars in wasted expenditure on sixpacks".

Souzeman added, "This is a victory mainly for poor, impoverished, alcoholics who will no longer need to spend a large proportion of their social welfare payments on alcoholic beverages. Now they can just sit inebriated on the pavements shouting abuse at passers-by all day long and still have enough cash to buy a decent sandwich for themselves from a supermarket Deli".

The question of Drunkenness's independence from Alcohol has deeply divided people across the globe. Publicans in particular have argued that the separation of Alcohol and Drunkenness could be disastrous and may threaten to tear the very fabric of society.

"What use is Drunkenness if your just sitting at home idly. The primary reason a person sets out to attain Drunkenness is because their peers are also doing so with the ultimate goal being a shared sense of mindless camaraderie. Drinking Alcohol in a pub was an ideal way of attaining this".

Souseman however disagrees with this viewpoint saying, "this new ruling means people can get drunk together pretty much anywhere - in a church - wherever. If anything the shared sense of drunken camaraderie that publicans say we will lose will in fact increase".

EU Substance-Abuse policy chief Javier Sultana commended the conduct of the poll and said he would respect the result.

He said, "Tonight, with the majority decision by the citizens of the world's democracies, the independence of Drunkenness has been confirmed."

Across alcohol drinking nations, the tooting of car horns filled city streets. Joyous youths were seen smashing beer bottles and pint glasses against walls and houses as news filtered through of Drunkenness's newly granted independence.

The news marks the final chapter of an intense civil war that began back in the early 1990s. The bloody conflict gave rise to other mental states such as Depression, Increased Sex Drive, and Heightened Creativity all gaining independence from Alcohol. Experts on the region say Alcohol continues to exert an influence over these states on some level though.

Whatever the extent of Alcohol's continued psychological influence is, or how long that influence will likely endure, many viewed it ties with Drunkenness as the last vestige of the former unified Alcoholic state.

Souseman said, "Alcohol must accept the fact it is now just a regular beverage like coke or water. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to get drunk with friends for free. Yippppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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