After 14 years of attempting to build a relationship Johnny Depp and his Vanessa have decided to split up mutually. The reasons for the split were plain to see because Johnny was never at home; he prefers a life on the seven seas and loved his parrot more than Vanessa. Plus the fact he loves wearing more make-up than Vanessa.
The strains in the relationship started when Johnny came home after shooting his pirate films and always insisted on bringing his pet parrot home with him. He also demanded that the parrot either sleep between them or the happy couple, Johnny and the parrot, would sleep alone.
This was too much to take and even during sex the parrot would constantly ear-bash Johnny whilst sitting on his and her shoulders. She obviously "got the bird" and told Johnny its him or me; the rest is history.
Johnny can't wait to make-up (not with her), get back on board his pirate ship and shoot off to the Caribbean where Keith Richard is waiting with a cuppa, a plate of shepards pie and a rum or two for the happy love-birds!
As for Vanessa, she's kicking off her pop-singing career again by representing France in the Eurovision next year and hopes "Engelbert Humpeldick" will give her a couple of tips on how sad has-beens can become even sadder!