TIJUANA, Mexico - Lindsay Lohan told her probation officer that she was going to visit Tijuana, Mexico to buy a special type of huaraches (sandals) that are not sold anywhere in the United States.
Lohan crossed into Mexico and wandered around pretty much unnoticed as no one recognized her without her makeup, her movie star clothes, and her arrogant 'I can do whatever I want' attitude.
A street vendor named Paco San Sandia approached her and asked if she wanted to buy some cosmetics.
She smiled politely and nodded her head no.
"Wassa matter? Ju no speaky espinach or what" he asked her loudly.
Lohan kept walking.
"Hey ju, de WOO-MAN wiff de milljion freckles, ju no can hear tu what I seys tu ju or what?"
Lohan kept walking and asked him to please leave her alone as she was a famous actress from America and she did not want to be bothered.
"Oh jes, I recognize ju now...ju are dat rish, no-talent, beesh Perrys Heeltun."
Lohan ignored him again and told him that if he did not leave her alone she was going to call a policeman.
The vendor started laughing in Spanish and told her to go ahead since he knows everyone in the Police Department.
He told her that his name was Paco San Sandia and informed her that Police Chief Cipriano Chimichanga is married to his older sister Guacamolina Betty San Sandia-Chimichanga.
Lohan shook her head. She figured that she knew how to get to him. She told him that if he promised to leave her alone she would give him an autographed photo of her plus $20.
San Sandia thought about it for a moment and replied, "Okey dokey, hokey pokey, ju has a deal but make eat $40 and ju can keep de peekchur."
As Lohan reached in her purse to give him two twenties a bag fell out. San Sandia quickly picked it up and opened it.
The bag contained about 1,000 tiny white pills.
He told her that he was going to have to make a citizen's arrest and take her to his brother-in-laws office at the police station.
"What?" Lohan hollered out. "These pills are just placebos."
"Jes, I know, dats what all of ju peepulls always says." San Sandia remarked.
San Sandia shook his head as he grinned and said "After ju and I geet tu dee police station my brother-in-law Cippy and I wheel den take ju tu a clausit where de boaf of us wheel take turns freeskeen ju, and sershing ju, and shecking all of jur oral cavities and body orafesses tu make chur dat ju don't be hiding any more illegal teengs and stuff in jur ju-know-what?
Lohan yelled out, "I DON'T THINK SO FELLA. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SUBJECT ME TO A CAVITY SEARCH. I AM AN A-MER-I-CAN!"
San Sandia giggled and told her to look around and tell him if she could see a Burger Bandit, a Pompous Pizza Parlor, an IHIPHOP Soul Food Restaurant, a Flat As A Pancake Pancake House, or a Captain Cluckity Cluck Cluck's Chicken Shack anywhere.
And with that Lindsay Lohan started crying. She had heard about the corrupt ways of Mexico. So she asked him how much it would take for him to release her and let her return to the United States.
He told her that she would have to make a cash donation to his brother-in-law's Tijuana Police Department Christmas Party Fund.
"How much?" Lohan asked.
San Sandia opened her purse and saw that she had $719 in cash.
"Ah let me see...ah I teenk dat I can give tu ju a deescount and ju can make jur donayshun to be ummm $719."
She handed him the $719. And as she turned to leave she asked Mr. San Sandia if she could have her placebo pills back.
San Sandia smiled and replied, "Nopers Miss Heeltun, ju hab shust donated dem tu my brother-in-law's Tijuana Police Department Christmas Party.
SIDENOTE: When Lindsay Lohan arrived back on the U.S. side of the border she said that the next time she travels to Tijuana, Mexico she will ask Eva Longoria to please go with her to help keep her out of trouble.