Written by Skoob1999
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Monday, 18 June 2012

image for Reg Bond Reveals Why He Refused To Provide Personal Security For Harry Styles, Zayn Malik And Liam Payne Of One Direction
Is Reg Bond For Real? Or Is He A Bigger Liar Than Tom Pepper?

One time bodyguard to the stars, and currently an aspiring Burnley chip shop proprietor, Reg Bond today revealed why he eventually refused to provide personal security for Harry Styles, Zayn Malik and Liam Payne, of boyband One Direction.

Speaking from his shared room in a Duke Bar B&B, gulping down copious amounts of Greased Lightning cider (ABV-11%) and puffing furiously on a hand rolled cigarette, Reg Bond revealed that he had been approached to look after the three lads' personal security, and that after giving it a week's trial, he and the three One Direction lads were never meant to be.

"They were grand lads," Reg Bond told an SEN reporter. "But they weren't for me, like. I were just too influential. All the young lasses were shoutin' for me after a day or two! I very near had to employ a bodyguard to protect me from all them salivatin' young lasses. Like bloody mad dogs they were! They seemed to forget all abaht the band when I were about. So I had a word wi' young Harry, Zayn and Liam, and I told 'em it were nivver gonna work aht, and that I'd best be off on me bike afore I destroyed th'act. That knows? It were a sin and a shame, burra just felt it wasn't reet for me to overshadow t' band like. That were abaht the time me dream ticket came through..."

At which point, Reg Bond began to sob - which was a bit embarrassing to say the least. When pressed, Reg Bond admitted:

"Aye. It's reet. Whitney requested me services. Whitney! Me inspiration! That were me dream ticket that! I 'opped on t' first plane ter America...but when I got theer, poor lass 'ad popped her clogs...Can I have me thirty quid nah? Only I've left Billy Blowtorch on his jack up 't' Baltic Fleet pub, and he's only got price of a pint, till I get theer. Cheers mate! Next time I'll tell thee abaht how Rihanna and Beyonce wanted ter take me ter bed forra kinky threesome, film it and post it on You Tube. That were dead interesting, that..."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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