Written by Morgan Truce
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Saturday, 20 May 2006

image for Britney Spears Buys Helmet for Baby
Good luck little fella'

NEW YORK -- Pop-singer Britney Spears has had her baby fitted for a safety helmet. The 8-month old Sean Preston was seen wearing the light blue head protector as his mother dashed into a waiting taxicab, knocking his head against the roof as she stepped in. On her way uptown, Britney gave the baby a bottle of formula, but it turned out to be some vodka that she mistakenly poured into the bottle earlier that morning.

Spears was making the rounds of several New York insurance companies trying to find someone that would write a policy for her baby, but so far she has been unable to find a company that would write either health or life insurance on the youngster.

A spokesman for Blue Cross said, "We're certainly not going to write any health insurance for that Spears kid: he's already been to various emergency rooms 14 times for concussions, burns, and cuts. That Britney Spears just doesn't know how to take care of a baby! I heard that she actually left the kid on the top of her car as she drove away."

Several life insurance companies have turned down Britney when she applied for life insurance for her little baby. One agent remarked, "We think it statistically unlikely that Britney Spears' baby will survive his mother's bumbled attempts at motherhood."

On assignment for the Spoof, reporter Craven Moorehead followed Britney Spears around one afternoon in order to take notes on how careful she was with her baby. In just a few hours, several shocking examples of child endangerment became obvious. At a New York sidewalk hot dog vending stand, a passerby had to use the Heimlich maneuver on the baby after Britney gave him a bite of her Sabrett hot dog. "I thought he'd be able to chew it up!"

Thirty minutes later, a southbound subway train was disabled for a time when Britney allowed her baby's head to get caught in the train's closing door as she waved to a group of fans. "It's a good thing he was wearing his helmet today… I forget it most of the time," said Britney.

While shopping at a department store, Britney set her baby down for a minute as they rode up an escalator. The fire department had to be called to untangle the baby from the tread at the top of the escalator. Britney Spears said, "I just turned my head for a minute and…"


Late Breaking News

New York Police report that a young baby wearing a blue helmet was found in an unattended stroller near the edge of Pier 17. "The stroller's brake had not been set, but fortunately one of the wheels happened to get stuck on some chewing gum -- which probably saved that little kid's life! When we find out who the mother is, we're going to throw the book at her."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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