Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 17 June 2012

image for Tom Cruise's "Rock of Ages" Bombs and Sinks At The Box Office Quicker That A Canoe Loaded With Hippos
Reports are that the "Rock of Ages" soundtrack has only sold 89 copies nationwide.

HOLLYWOOD - The producer, director, writers, and financial backers of the motion picture Rock of Ages are all shockingly stunned and scratching their collective heads and asking, what in the syncopated' world of musical scales happened?

Ticket sale tallies show that the much anticipated rock music film was basically ignored by everyone under the age of 25.

Pomona Vox with Silver Screen Showcase Magazine said that she took her 91-year-old grandmother Agatha "Boo Boo" Vox with her to see the movie.

She confessed that six minutes into the film Granny Boo Boo whispered that she'd like to leave because she just remembered that she had to go home and rearrange her spice drawer.

Rock of Ages cost $70 million to make and only brought in $15.1 million the first weekend. Movie experts predict that the movie will probably have second week ticket sales of $1.2 million, third week ticket sales of $193,000, and fourth week ticket sales of $267.

Vox called up Tom Cruise, who stars as Stacee Jaxx the film's leading character, to ask him for a comment on the motion pictures dismal opening.

His wife Katie (Holmes) answered the phone and told her that Tommy could not come to the phone because he was out in the backyard desperately looking for squirrels, woodchucks, and gophers to kick the hell out of.

Miss Vox did manage to speak with Alec Baldwin, who appeared in the role of Dennis Dupree.

He quickly mentioned for her not to blame him because he had personally purchased 800 movie tickets which he and his hair stylist FuFi Fondue personally distributed to homeless people in the Beverly Hills area.

Russell Brand added that he truly feels that the movie executives should have accepted his title suggestion which would have really brought in the younger crowd.

Brand told Miss Vox that the movie title he suggested was The Naked Stoned and Sexually Sultry Women of Rock & Roll.

When Julianne Hough, who starred as Sheree Christian, was asked about the movie doing so horribly, she shyly smiled, took a sip of her avocado juice drink, and simply replied, "Golly gee whiz, I love my rich, rich, boyfriend Ryan Seacrest so gosh darn much."

Before Pomona Vox and her grandmother had left the movie complex, so that Granny Boo Boo could go home and rearrange her spice drawer, she did manage to ask several movie goers what they thought about the movie musical.

Portia Jo Gandergarden, 30 of Redondo Beach said that she kinda liked the movie except for the music.

Dunbar Digletter, 48, of Calexico said that the trouble with the film was that they hired Tom Cruise to be the main star and everyone knows that lots of people don't like him because Tom Cruise's biggest fan is Tom Cruise.

And Josefina De La Chalupa, 87, of La Brea, commented that Julianne Hough needs to go back to being on Dancing With The Stars because as far as being a movie star, she can't hold a candle to the amazingly talented actress Miley Cyrus.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: MI-LEY CY-RUS???]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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