SEN reporter and columnist, Verity Warbling-Trollblog returned to the glory days of gossip writing today when she wrote on her website that Lady Gaga has an extremely hirsute vagina, whereas Harry Styles out of One Direction has his man garden regularly waxed in order to keep it looking neat and tidy.
In her monthly update, Ms Warbling-Trollblog lamented that since her stint in America with 'Huzzah For Hollywood!' magazine, the British entertainment and gossip columns appear to have lost sight of what it is exactly that constitutes lively entertainment and gossip columns.
"When I went to the States, the E&G columns were filled with stuff about hairy vaginas, tumescent gentlemen's joysticks, enormous breasts and Disney Channel teens having unprotected sex up back alleys," Ms Warbling-Trollblog wrote. "I don't know for the life of me what happened to that fine upstanding (Ooh-err!) tradition. It seems like I don't know my own country any longer. I mean, for crying out loud - the Poles and the Russians getting all the hooligan coverage at the Euros? What's that all about then? What happened to British satire? If you ask me, it's lost its way. Satire isn't about pathetic 'Local Man' stories, or rioting pensioners in Worthing - or anything remotely to do with Dorking. Satire's about huge cocks, fannies that drip like leaky taps and women with massive tits getting stuck in revolving doors. Oh, and teeny bopper TV stars getting shagged against skips in pub car parks."
Ms Warbling-Trollblog went on to say that the stars with the hairiest vaginas include Lady Gaga, Carol Vorderman, The Queen, and Sandy Toskvig.
As far as the men are concerned - Harry Styles, Simon Cowell, Elton John and former football star Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne all wax.
"Of course, it's all a load of bollocks," said SEN supremo, Buffty Ginslinger, as he necked neat absinthe from the bottle in a bar on Carrer Nou De La Rambla in Barcelona, Spain. "But it doesn't half fuckin' sell well!"
More absolute bloody rubbish as it comes in.