Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 15 June 2012

image for Jennifer Aniston Buys Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie A Volcano
Mt. St. Corncob located in western Iowa last erupted in June of 1862, 150 years ago.

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Jennifer Aniston has finally accepted the fact that Brad Pitt has decided to make Angelina Jolie his wife.

And America's sweetheart, Aniston not Jolie, is dealing with her empty feelings and trying to move on knowing that her and the man of her dreams (BP) will now only be together in the joyously joyful memories that dwell within the cascading caverns of her mind.

Jennifer recently confessed to Tittle Tattle Tonight's Kiowa Kettle, that up until Brad announced that he had asked Jon Voight's daughter to marry him she was still holding on to a small glimmer of hope.

She truly believed that perhaps, maybe, just maybe one day her cell phone would ring and Brad would say, "Hey Jen, baby doll, I have finally gotten tired of Angie's roller coaster mood swings, her domineering demeanor, and her controlling characteristics and I am leaving her and I was just wondering if..."

Aniston realized that she had to stop obsessing over Brad and move on. She admitted that she had to find a way to stop kissing his old photographs before she gets in bed; especially if her boyfriend Justin Theroux is there with her.

So she decided that she would pick out a very special wedding gift for Brad and that woman that he is marrying.

After doing a lot of surfing on the Internet for just the right gift she finally found it. Jennifer decided to buy Brad and his 37-year-old fiancée a real, honest-to-goodness volcano; a dormant one of course.

She flew out to the Midwest and viewed the volcano named Mount St. Corncob, which is located just a few miles north of the town of Cherokee, Iowa.

Aniston told Miss Kettle that the volcano was listed at $3,789, but she was able to use some of her Tinsel Town charm and got the price reduced down to $962.

So she will present the deed to the highly unusual gift to Mr. and Mrs. Brad Pitt on their wedding day.

Jennifer confided to Miss Kettle that she has seen at least half a dozen different therapists and counselors from Calabasas to Calexico regarding her infatuation problem, but none have been able to make any progress.

Aniston is not only an extremely funny girl but she is also a great cook.

She can take a cup of grapes, some cinnamon sticks, a squirrel, and some cilantro and in no time she can make a dish that if you closed your eyes you would swear that it was Chateaubriand.

Aniston is also one fantastically gorgeous looking woman who can wear a skimpy swimsuit with the best of them including former Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover models Brooklyn Decker, Kate Upton, and Bar Rafaeli.

Miss Kettle told Jennifer that she is shocked at the fact that Brad ever left her for that Jolie woman in the first place.

Jen's eyes lit up with that remark and she gave Kiowa a chest bump.

She noted that Pitt should have realized just by the fact that Angelina had been married to one of the most arrogant, sarcastic, pompous, egomaniacal males in the continental United States that she had some issues and would come with some excess baggage; which he soon found out she did.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Miss Kettle is referring to that third-rate, mumbling actor who thinks that he is better than everybody else Billy Bob Thornton, AKA "The Human Headache."]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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