London - "We're need to sort this out man to man," William hissed through gritted teeth after the eighteen year-old had kept him waiting over two whole hours at Mayfair's exclusive El Bandito Club.
The hurriedly arranged secret rendezvous came as Kate's cherished Justin Bieber baby snaps suddenly 'evaporated' from her laptop into thin heir last month...
Before briefly surfacing on a closed membership chatroom last Friday night.
The move sent shivers down Palace security forcing William's hand into a hasty meeting with his bride of one year's secret love child.
"Should I call you Step Father or Will?" young Justin beamed as a tight security cordon ushered them into a private booth.
Half an hour later the two men left via separate club entrances having hatched a fiendish plot to snatch back the incriminating shots.
Topnotch advice from legal sauces had talked William into a campaign of plausible deniability after overwhelming concensus that outing his bride as the pop singer's birth Momma 'would cause the Queen's innards to explode'.
During the previous Government's tenure of orifice Kate's secret maternity became the talk of Whitehall, prompting delay after delay into the pair's arranged nuptials.
The Con/GlibDem coalition was a piece of cake by comparison after Kate's half sister Samantha Cameron mentioned how lovely it would be to have a smashing royal wedding to cheer up the poor downtrodden proles.
And now someone's nicked the secret icing-on-the-cake of the royal couple's relationship after some fifty shots taken over the first few years of young Justin's now very famous life vamooshed out of sight.
Selena Gomez is 20 in July.