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Saturday, 9 June 2012

image for Heidi Klum Divorce Battle Heats Up - Joins Canadian Hunters to Champion Seal Fur

The so called amicable split earlier this year between what was deemed Hollywood's most solid marriage has taken a turn for the worse.

Heidi Klum has revealed the depth of her anger as she turned on her soon to be ex-husband and launched a damaging broadside in what is now for certain going to be a bloody divorce. Holding a club in one hand, on an ice sheet in Newfoundland, Canada, Klum posed for photos as part of the official closing ceremony for the annual seal clubbing.

Back at home in Hollywood, animal rights groups marched in Beverly Hills asking for Klum to be revoked of her American citizenship whilst holding placards of her husband, shouting 'we love Seal.' Pamela Anderson who had been at a Baywatch reunion on Malibu beach when the news broke, ran to Beverly Hills to join the protest, so distraught that she stripped naked to show her revulsion. Meanwhile Paris Hilton said she was too traumatised to speak on the subject but was speaking to her publicist to articulate her shock.

Earlier in the day Klum flew in by private jet landing on a drifting ice sheet in St Lawrence in Newfoundland where the seal hunting season was coming to a close. Descending from the plane as rose petals were scattered in her path by seal hunters, Klum was dressed head to toe in sea fur coat. She then proceeded to give a 10 hour impassioned speech to as to why her ex husband and his seal friends were a blight on the beautiful Canadian landscape.

Local Canadian hunters who often felt unloved by celebrities around the world, cheered on like excited teenagers at a concert at this rare spot of glamour, as Klum encouraged people to support their battle to rid the world of seals.

Drawing on her on bitter experience, Klum cited having to live with someone that "was cute and cuddly at the star, with big adorable eyes but had turned into a slippery, noisy handful for the last seven years of her life and it was time to take up club." "The only thing they are good for is keeping us warm at night", concluded Klum referring to her new preference to wear seal fur underwear.

Paul McCartney and his ex Heather Mills had decided to put their own bitter divorce battle behind them as they flew to Los Angeles to join the protest, such was their revulsion at the actions of Heidi Klum.

Meanwhile younger celebrities on the twitter sphere came out in support. Insiders say that the normally animal friendly Hollywood elite are afraid of being denied a ticket to Klum's famous Halloween fancy dress party which is sure to have a seal theme.

Kim Kardashian tweeted a picture of her clubbing a Seal album cover, cheered on by her lover Kayne West, whilst Ashton Kutchner said 'Klum looks hotter than ever even if she had been kissed by rose and even is she was smeared in seal blubber'. Charlie Sheen said "seals were the reasons for all the world's ills and if ever Heidi was bored of being on her own, he'd help her get over her divorce."

Divorce experts feel that Seal now has a strong case to win complete custody of the kids whilst others feel that Klum will soon regret her actions as she realises the love the world has for Seal.
Sales of Seal's singles have already shot to the top of the iTunes download chat, perhaps showing the impact Klum's seal actions have had.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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