SANTA MONICA - Lindsay Lohan is one very, very lucky young starlet after being involved in an accident on the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) that totaled her black Porsche.
According to California State Troopers Aaron Twixfellino and Hamilton Leno, no relation to Jay Leno, Miss Lohan was driving the Porsche, which was a rental.
Riding with Lohan in the passenger seat was her hair stylist and number one confidante Slicky Pomade of Pomona.
Trooper Leno stated in his official report that at 1:23 p.m. Miss Lohan's car came upon an 18-wheeler at an extremely high rate of speed.
The 18-wheeler was driven by one Paxton "Bubba" Blahburger, 31, of Avocado Heights, who just this past Thursday married his best friend's ex-wife Samantha "Lips" Trollripper, who works as a pole dancer at The Ten-Foot Pole Lounge in Redondo Beach.
According to Trooper Leno, Blahburger looked in his side-view mirror and saw the exact moment when Lohan's Porsche hit his truck's trailer and slid underneath it.
Trooper Twixfellino noted that there were no signs of alcohol, drugs, or excessive cosmetics at the scene.
Although they cannot rule out alcohol and drugs until the official results of the piss test are revealed they can say unequivocally that the cause of the accident was not due in any way, shape, or form to cosmetics.
Lohan and Pomade were both air lifted on a Sikorsky UH-60 Blackhawk Helicopter to L.A.'s Our Lady of The Silver Screen Hospital where Pomade received a slight bruise to his right funny bone and Lohan received various bruises on her right hip, her left arm, her right leg, and her left hooter.
Blahburger stated that thanks to the fact that he has been driving 18-wheelers for 18 years he was able to keep control of his truck which was loaded with Russian Roulette Vodka.
When asked if any of the bottles had been damaged in the crash he replied that he had checked and when Lohan's fancy, celebrity sports car hit his truck it broke a total of 713 vodka bottles.
He stated that he expects Miss Lohan to pay for the 713 bottles and to fix the damage to his 18-wheeler.
He also pointed out that his back is hurting as well as his arms, fingers, toes, belly button, and one of his tonsils; the left one.
Blahburger went on to say that he is so traumatized that he cannot stand to look at a bottle of alcohol, an actress with freckles, Chicken McNuggets, or Joan Rivers.
SIDENOTE: Paxton Blahburger has already contacted famed attorney Ginger Allred who specializes in injury cases, divorce cases, and cases involving quintessential slander.