Written by John Butler
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Topics: Space, suicide

Friday, 19 May 2006

image for David Blaine To Attempt To Break World Record For Most Failed Suicide Attempts In One Week
David Blaine's latest stunt is perhaps his most ambitious yet

American illusionist David Blaine has announced he will attempt to set a new world record for most failed suicide attempts in the space of one week. The news comes on the back of his failure one week ago to break the world record for longest time spent holding ones breath under water.

Explaining his decision, Blaine said, "For years, deeply depressed people across the world have tried to commit suicide, failed, tried again, failed, tried again, and then succeeded. Some lasted longer than others but most, if not all, did eventually manage to kill themselves".

He continued, "In attempting this challenge, it is my wish to prove that the human body's capacity to withstand pointless, intentionally fatal acts of self-harm is essentially limitless".


"Blaine, with trademark intensity, said, "I don't see any reason why I can't reach at least one hundred failed suicide attempts over the course of seven days".


The current record for most failed suicide attempts over the course of one week stands at eleven. It is held by the obviously now deceased Israeli chronic depressive and all-round misery-guts, Abraham Sankowivic.

Sankowivic, a complete loner who suffered from a severe, uncontrollable and incurable flatulence problem and was therefore repellent to all women, set the mark back in 1983 after repeatedly failing in his attempts to put himself out of his unending misery. He finally succeeded after six days by injecting himself with an extra-powerful anaesthetic and quickly throwing himself off of a bridge into the deepest most point of the River Jordan.

He had just hours before tried to hang himself in his dirty old apartment but, unfortunately for him, noxious gases from his ass rose up and dissolved the rope before he had a chance to stop breathing.

Blaine, with trademark intensity, said, "I don't see any reason why I can't reach at least one hundred failed suicide attempts over the course of seven days".

Many of Blaine's critics have said that, given the unusually high number suicides he has planned for himself, the whole act could very quickly become boring and repetitive.

The magician was quick however, to rubbish such accusations and, ever the showman, promised his fans that "each and every one" of his failed suicide attempts will not only be "highly varied" but also "extremely innovative".

The methods Blaine will use in trying but failing to end his life will range from what he described as "the traditional to the outlandish".

"Of course a lot of the old reliables will be in there. Yes, I'll be blowing my brains out with a 45 calibre pistol; yes I'll be slashing my wrists after ingesting a whole pile of painkillers; and yes I'll be jumping off a 30 storey office block onto a concrete pavement despite the best efforts of a conscientious office worker who tries to talk me out of it. The way I see it, I don't think any attempt to break the record for most failed suicide attempts in one week would be complete without paying homage to America's rich suicidal heritage"

Not content to stop there, Blaine said he also wishes to open people's eyes to alternative, "more colourful" ways of taking ones own life.


In order to prepare his body for such an extreme set of challenges, Blaine has said he will nail himself to a 12 foot tall wooden cross for 3 straight weeks surviving solely on a vinegar soaked sponge for sustenance.


"I will for instance on the fifth day try kill myself by enveloping my body in prime strips of roast beef and then throwing myself to a pride of lions that haven't been fed for 48 hours. I feel if I can fail that suicide attempt I can fail any sucide attempt".

Among the other means of suicide the California-based magician mentioned were spending the night in a burning hay shed while soaked in petrol, chaining himself to the engine of a NASA Rocket seconds before lift-off, slamming his head face down on a table upon which two sharpened pencils are standing upright thereby sending the pencils up through his nostrils and out through his eyeballs, and on the seventh day, eating a plateful of chips and sausages soaked in liquid nitrogen and granulated plutonium (or "salt n vinegar" as Blaine jokingly put it).

In order to prepare his body for such an extreme set of challenges, Blaine has said he will nail himself to a 12 foot tall wooden cross for 3 straight weeks surviving solely on a vinegar soaked sponge for sustenance.

He insisted that "only through outright crucifixion can I build up the necessary resistance to the extreme pain and suffering I will undoubtedly have to undergo in trying and continually failing to do myself in".

There can be no doubt David Blaine's desire to push the boundaries of humanity's tolerance of pain and suffering has won him an army of admirers worldwide.

Others however have expressed outrage and have slammed Blaine as a "mere publicity seeker" whose actions will only serve to belittle the suffering felt by families who have themselves lost loved ones to suicide.

Bridget Faulkner, a professional opera impressario, said, "How can this man get away with this? It's sick. My son Toby hung himself last year. Does David Blaine think he can bring my son back by killing himself or pretending to kill himself or whatever the hell it is he is going to do. It's just plain wrong and I must say very, very upsetting".

British plumber, Mickey Hodgkins, although labelling Blaine an "absolutely terrific entertainer", fears he may be setting a bad example to young kids who might some day aspire to become magicians themselves.

Hodgkins said, "My son Tommy, he's only six but he's into magic in a big way. Of course I have always encouraged him, but the other day I caught him pointing the fully loaded handgun I keep under my pillow to his head saying, "Look at me Daddy, I'm David Blaine".

A worried Hodgkins continued, "It was just lucky that I got there before he pulled the trigger. I'm probably going to have to keep that loaded gun well out of reach from little Tommy from now on... I don't see why this should be necessary... I think Blaine should be more aware of his responsiblities in educating kids on safe practice."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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