HOLLYWOOD - It has been over four months since the infamous January X-Factor Massacre in which Simon Cowell fired X-Factor host Steve "Vanilla Man" Jones along with two of the three judges Paula "Touchdown" Abdul and Nicole "Teardrops" Scherzinger.
"The Count of Cruelty" has since replaced the ditsy Abdul with Britney Spears and the sultry Scherzinger with Demi Lovato. But so far he has not filled the host's position.
Speaking in the VIP Room of The Gunfight At The OK Corral Steakhouse in Avocado Heights, Cowell informed Pico de Gallo with Tittle Tattle Tonight that he really hated to fire little Paula and crybaby Nicole but they just did not get with his program.
He then said that he knew that Steve was going to have to go when he learned that roughly 93 percent of the American X-Factor viewers had a hard time understanding Jones' very pronounced Welsh accent.
The T-shirt wearing Englishman pointed out that Jones had a very hard time clearly pronouncing such words as hysterectomy, Massachusetts, prophylactic, and Jose Cuervo Tequila.
"The Sultan of Sarcasm" explained that when he fired Steve, he received some very nasty letters from a little Welsh community in Idaho.
The letters called him everything from a stale British crumpet to a closet English dandy.
Cowell giggled as he said that one Welsh woman who he identified as Bethesda Cardiffina Pontyfoot, 73, sent him a lump of coal and told him to sit on it until it hatched.
"The Viceroy of Venom" remarked that he sent Mrs. Pontyfoot $20 and told her to get herself a lesson in manners.
"Simple Simon" as his former girlfriend Paula Abdul nicknamed him, was asked by de Gallo how the two new judges Britney Spears and Demi Lovato were working out.
He smiled and said that Lovato has fit right in and is thrilled to be a member of "Team Cowell," but he confessed that Spears is prone to bouts of stressful anxiety and has twice bitten her fingernails down so far that they have actually bled.
Cowell suggested that Britney wear gloves but she managed to bite right through them within seven minutes.
When asked if he has decided on his new X-Factor host Cowell grinned as he took a sip of his Papaya Margarita and a puff from his Marlboro cigarette.
He said that he really tried to lure Ryan "Peaches" Seacrest away from his American Idol hosting job, but Seacrest wanted way too much money, plus a dental plan, stock options, and an English mansion in the St. Johns Wood area of London.
Cowell revealed that he is presently considering hiring co-hosts. He disclosed that he is leaning towards Russell Brand and Gary Busey.
He quipped that he knows he will be able to control the foul-mouthed Brand and he emphasized that he will have the shows hair stylist FuFi Fondue definitely do something with Gary Busey's out-of-control hairdo.
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