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Monday, 4 June 2012

image for Susan Boyle In Violent Outburst Demolishes Scotland

In scenes straight out of the Marvel's Avengers Assemble, Susan Boyle in a fit of rage destroyed the nation of Scotland over the weekend, but luckily there were no fatalities. Following months of gruelling work, SuBo as she is known to her fans had been booked to sing in the capital Edinburgh for the Scottish Independence movement, in a protest at the Imperial Jubilee celebrations in London.

Scottish celebrities rescued from disaster have been now safely returned to their homes in Beverly Hills where they have been retelling the horrific hours when SuBo rampaged through Scotland.

Scottish freedom fighter Alex Salmond who in January introduced a celebrity tax charge on the nation, in order to fund the expenses of celebrities to return to the country and provide entertainment, had booked the fledging nation's top stars to return for 45 minute photo opportunity of which SuBo was going to be the main performer.

It is now clear that SuBo was not told be her agent that she was performing in Scotland and had been led to believe she was going to London to singing for The Queen on a barge. In private celebrity circles it has been well known that Boyle found Scotland's grey weather depressing, and that any mention of the country was strictly off limits when in her company. The only reason she would ever go back was to rescue her cats she said.

Fellow passengers on the flight from Beverly Hills, California booked for the freedom concert, noticed the change in Boyle's behaviour as the plane began to descend into Edinburgh. Ewan McGregor who had earlier been singing hits from Moulin Rouge on the piano with Boyle, noticed her mood darken as he mentioned they were nearer his beloved Scotland but roped in Sean Connery to help out.

"Her mood changed so suddenly, from one super star singer to an angry child, her eyes bulged and she screamed 'get tae feck away,'" said Connery who tried to calm Boyle. "I reminded her why we had left our mansions in Beverly Hills, and asked her if she liked her beloved Scotland shaken by the murderous gas stealing Englishmen or stirred by the spirit of William Wallace."

The hard Scotsmen felt out of his depth and ushered Gerry Butler to help pull Boyle off the floor of the plane, who was now hunched over screaming obscenities. "I told her to get herself together as the Scottish people were waiting for her to sing Flower of Scotland," recalls Butler from the pool side of the Chateau Marmont. "She looked at me and her face was a bright green colour and I called for us to make an emergency landing to call a doctor."

Connery using his skills learnt on Bond and from private lessons from John Travolta Flight school, landed in downtown Edinburgh on the royal mile Whilst the other celebrities scarped Alan Cumming the last passenger noticed Boyle looked tremendously muscular as if she had taken some steroids and was "looking more butch than a muscle queen in West Hollywood."

When Alex Salmond entered the plane with his army of publicity photographers asking where his beloved Boyle was, it was then than that the anger really exploded, and perhaps the tipping point that led to the destruction of Scotland. Boyle grabbed the caber that Salmond was holding in his hand and then proceeded to smash the plane up, next going for the historic castle and other landmarks. Millions of Scots ran towards the English border as Boyle left a trail of destruction, thousands of years of history pulverised in a matter of hours.

Salmond nervously phoned contacts to rescue his celebrity troops whilst watching helplessly as his dreams of an independent Scotland were smashed to pieces.

SuBo however also had a legion of supporters who encouraged her, in the from a gang of locals troublemakers from the estates, called neds, who found the whole thing amusing, filming it on their mobile phones.

Today her agent confirmed Boyle has checked into an anger management class, whilst others have pointed the finger of blame at Salmond and others who have exploited the vulnerable singer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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