Written by IainB
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Sunday, 27 May 2012

image for One Direction lined up for the 2013 Eurovision song contest
Harry, Niall, Louis and Liam from One Direction, Zayn is taking the photo

Reality Show Pop Stars, One Direction, have been lined up to represent the UK in the 2013 Eurovision Song Contest.

"We had to act fast," said Sebastian Coe, who has been appointed to make sure that Britain win in 2013 after several years of abject failure. "Many people are asking why we are funding and entering the contest if we aren't taking it seriously."

According to Coe, the UK have been treating the contest seriously, but the selection criteria for songs has been poor.

"Lets face it," said Seb, "this year there was a choice of five songs and five acts, and the public voted. There was only seven votes between Engelbert Humpadinck and second place, and Engelbert got nine votes. In total. This shows that the British people don't care about Eurovision."

Coe was appointed as soon as the voting finished leaving the UK in penultimate bottom place. A position he was only too happy to accept now that his job with the Olympic committee is finished.

"I told the Eurovision committee that we had two options," said Sebastian. "We could either stop funding the competition, or we could actually try and win it."

According to Coe, the first option is not an option, as the Eurovision committee have a cushy number, one that they have held for forty years.

"Unfortunately," Coe admitted, "they are a little out of touch."

This has left Coe with the option of trying to win the next competition. To this end, he has asked One Direction to win it for England; something the X-Factor contestants are only too happy to do.

"Our next step," said Coe, "is to get a top song writer to write us a song. We're not talking some Gilbert and Sullivan era song here. I'm not approaching Tim Rice. I've so far asked Gary Barlow, Rhianna and Jesse Jay to write a song. They are all going to think about it."

This means that Coe will be abandoning the public selection of the song.

"To be fair to the British Public," Coe said, "they're bloody hopeless at picking winners. They vote for the underdog, when they can be arse to vote. It's not the way to pick a winning tune."

Coe even has a contingency plan in place in case 1Direction don't win Eurovision in 2013.

"If we don't win it next year," he said, "We'll be doing an X-Factor like show, with the winner going on to do the Eurovision in 2014. Even if we don't win, we should make back our funding of the contest in telephone votes, so at least it won't have cost us anything."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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