Having been beaten by twenty-four of the twenty-six countries taking part in the 2012 Eurovision song contest Engelbert Humperdinck has revealed why he agreed to take part.
The Hump, as he is affectionately known by his Spine Osteopath, managed a stately twelve points in the competition, beating only Norway, who ironically gave The Hump the twelve points. Topping the competition was Sweden, closely followed by The Russian Grannies who were compared to the Spice Girls by Graham Norton. The Grannies are considering suing.
The Hump was even beaten by Jedward, a blight that will never leave his career.
"It is disappointing to finish to far down the rankings," said Engelbert. "I'd been given the number one slot in the running order, and that's always the hardest to win from. I blame the French for the running order. I can't stand the French. Still...C'est la vie."
Viewing figures for the contest were, Europe-wide, at their highest for many years, but in Britain, more people watched QVC than watched Eurovision.
"I don't know why we still take part," said Martin Scott, the BBC head of light entertainment. "It used to be so that Terry Wogan was guaranteed at least one gig a year, but he's pulled out now. Sending people like Humperdinck shows that the UK doesn't take the competition seriously, and we only get into the finals each year because we pay for it. If it was up to me, I'd withdraw funding and let the Scandinavians and the Eastern Bloc get on with their back patting."
Most entertainment insiders, including Scott, had predicted a nil point for The Hump, meaning he did out perform expectations. With expectations for his chances so low from the outset, why did he take part?
"I only took part," said The Hump, "because most people thought I was dead, and I wanted to show them I was still alive."