Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 26 May 2012

image for Swedish Eurovision Song Contest Winner Has "A Big Head And Suspiciously Large Hands" Says Anne Shuttlecock
Music Was My First Love - Honest!

Long suffering wife of local idiot, Martin Shuttlecock - the lovely Anne - today stated unequivocally that she's had a really shit day.

"It all started in the early hours, when my silly bastard of a husband woke me up at about four thirty am demanding to know what was written on the back of his pillow case. I think he was sleepwalking or something. The daft bastard. Anyway, he just lobbed the pillowcase on the floor and then went back to sleep."

Things didn't get much better for Anne, as she watched the England football team splutter their way to victory over a rather crap Norway team.

Things just got worse after that as Anne changed channels to watch Eurovision.

"This is depressing," she said, as Sweden swept all before them, with a song about 'Euphoria.'

"I think euthanasia would be a more apt title for that song," Anne related. "What a load of old shite! And you see that singer? The one that crap Roy Wood lookalike said was the sexiest singer in the show? Well, she's flat chested, she's got suspiciously large hands, and she looks like she's smashed out of her stupid Swedish box. You know what I'm intimating. Don't make me spell it out. Engelbert wuz robbed I tellya!"

At which point Shuttlecock lapsed into yet another drunken stuporous coma, whilst Anne peppered the TV screen with lumps of potato salad.

In protest.

"It's a fix!" Anne insisted. "And if I want to lob potato salad at my fifty inch HD plasma screen, that's my business! If you don't like it, you can all just fuck off! Engelbert's well cool - 'Please Release Me' was a classic of its genre. These fucking Europeans have no taste. Oh, and don't worry about the telly - when the daft bastard who's my husband comes out of his alcoholically induced coma, I'll just tell him, he did it to the telly and demand that he cleans it up. Swedes - they make my fucking blood boil. Stick your ABBA and your Ah-Ha up your Scandinavian arses! Not that I'm bitter or anything..."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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