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Saturday, 26 May 2012

image for Dorking Publicist Hires Stately Home For Live Internet Streamed Wild Celebrity Sex Orgy - Nobody Shows Up
Stoat Hall - Strangely Quiet Yesterday

Self styled Dorking based publicist, Damian Pinter, was left counting the cost today, as his latest ambitious project was judged to be little more than an abject failure.

Pinter, a youthful, outgoing, 81 year old opportunist revealed that he had hired Stoat Hall - a 42 bedroom pile in the Surrey countryside - in the hope of inspiringing a mass no-holds-barred sex orgy, involving invited celebrity guests, which he intended to market as a live internet feed, available on a subscription only pay per view basis.

With exclusive pornographic content featuring the brightest stars in the firmament.

Getting their kit off and going at it like rabid rabbits.

"Anyone worth their salt would have wanted to be a part of this," Pinter mourned. "Yet it seems that none of the invited guests was even remotely interested. I haven't got the foggiest idea why."

Pinter revealed that he had hired Stoat Hall at considerable cost, and financed live feed webcams in every nook and cranny, so as not to miss a moment of the eagerly anticipated 'Wild Sex Orgy.'

For which nobody showed up.

The guest list reads like a 'Who's Who' of celebrity Royalty.

Luminaries such as Katie Price, Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, Beyonce, Keira Knightley, Pippa Middleton, Jodie Marsh, Cheryl Cole, Tulisa Contostavlos, Jessie J, Rihanna, Adele, Michelle Keegan out of Coronation Street, Joanna Lumley, Pixie Lott, Sarah Harding out of Girls Aloud, Holly Willoughby, Anne Widdecombe, Twiggy, Brigitte Bardot, Denise Van Outen, Kristen Stewart, Pompey Lil, Angela Rippon, and Nina Dobrev out of Vampire Diaries were confidently expected to doff their drawers and get 'ecstatified' when confronted by a similarly renowned group of male sex symbols.

Such as boxing promoter, Don King, Aussie crooner, Peter Andre, coal miner Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Silvio Berlusconi, former US President Bill Clinton, renegade footballers, Joey Barton, Eric Cantona and Paulo DiCanio, and a transvestite from Trannsylvania, named Vlad...amongst others

But cometh the big day...nobody turned up.

"Unbelievable," party host, Damian Pinter explained. "I spent something in the region of two hundred thousand pounds putting all this together, and nobody came. Literally. I found myself in this massive, stately home with a feast laid on, a sophisticated network of cameras in place, strategically positioned sex toys all over the shop, a fully equipped dungeon, a working steam engine, and nobody could be arsed to even turn up. That kind of thing really grips my shit. I even got Heston Oliver-Ramsay in to do the catering. We had a menu that would have had the chefs at Noma shitting themselves with envy."

Said menu was reported to have included such delicacies as Osprey's eggs, lightly poached, and served on a muffin with crumbled black pudding, Antonio Carlucci's smegma scrapings and oak smoked gorgonzola, kipper fillets served on a bed of dandelion flowers, with a balsamic vinegar and diced fried chimpanzee testicle dressing, pan fried mullet with pickled eggs steeped in Mercury, and fillet of killer whale on Hovis toast with real Irish butter and lashings of silverback gorilla spunk, seasoned with sea salt and cracked black pepper flown in specially from Llubi in Mallorca. And some proper Thai fish sauce. Probably made out of fish. Or something similar.

Not to mention bacon pie with custard seasoned with finely diced carbolic soap flakes and bits of cryogenically frozen human excrement, donated by the late and much lamented Bee Gees bloke, Robin Gibb. Allegedly.

"I can't understand why they didn't come," Pinter lamented. "I'd have thought it was a gig to die for, and that they'd all come and get gloriously decadent - but apparently twas not to be. I really don't know why. I spent the night alone watching a DVD of 'Babette's Feast.' It took me hours to eat all that crap. Mind you - waste not, want not. To be honest with you, I feel like a bit of a fat bastard right now. Two hundred large out of pocket, I am. I won't be doing this again in a hurry. I'll tell you that for nowt."

So far, only one invited guest has gone public with the reason why he didn't attend the orgy. Celebrity television chef, James Martin revealed:

"I did think about going, but then I changed my mind and decided to watch 'The Voice' on the television instead," he said.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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