New York City -- Mary Magdalen, recently risen from the dead, held a press conference in Times Square yesterday to condemn the forthcoming movie The Da Vinci Code. Wearing a Vera Wang red toga and Jimmy Choo gold sandals, she clutched a Kate Spade handbag and the most recent edition of "Media Training for Dummies." She was harshly critical of author Dan Brown and Hollywood moguls who won't let her rest in peace.
Ms. Magdalen said that St Peter had granted her a weeklong sabbatical to return to earth and get out her message. "The movie is hogwash," she declared, "pure hogwash." She did not dismiss the possibility of filing a lawsuit and said she would be calling 1-800-Lawyers to inquire about her rights.
Denying that she had ever given birth, Ms. Magdalen said it was impossible that a descendant of hers was presently walking the earth. Also, she discounted rumors of her unhappiness that French actress Audrey Tautou had been chosen to play Sophie Neveu, the purported Magdalen descendant. (The denial was in spite of the fact that a number of confidential sources have confirmed to TheSpoof.com that they heard Ms. Magdalen complain that, if she DID have a female descendant, she would like her to be played by someone with more pizzazz and experience, someone like Oscar-winning actress Catherine Zeta-Jones or sex siren Pamela Anderson.)
Ms. Magdalen dismissed claims that she had disguised herself as a man and been a guest at The Last Supper. "Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous," she claimed. "A menu of bread and wine? Fuhgedaboudit. I have a wheat allergy and stay away from bread; I'm a recovering alcoholic and don't do wine." She also mocked the hairstyles of the Last Supper guests, saying "That long, wavy, parted in the middle 'do' looks quite ugly on both men and women. I wouldn't be caught dead -- uh, or alive -- in it."
After concluding her "I'm not a mama" news conference, Ms. Magdalen took a break from her anti-Da Vinci Code crusade. She was seen heading north on Broadway up to 50th Street, where she attended a performance of the musical, "Mamma Mia," at the Cadillac Winter Garden Theatre.