Written by F Rheins
Print this
Topics: Politics

Tuesday, 25 April 2006

image for Billionaire political activist to start new Newsy.

Raids presumptive rival for talent.

Entertainment Beat, New York-A liberal legend has again waded into the American political battlefield, in a big way. This time, by stabbing right at the heart of one of conservatism's most powerful boosters, the FOX News channel.

George Soros (pronounced "Sore-ass" in the old tongue) has put up his own considerable fortune to start FUX; an unkind knock-off, it would appear at first blush. With national elections only months away, and both houses of congress up for grabs, pundits wide and far believe Mr. Soros is desperate to ankle Rupert Murdoch's American cable news franchise, which many perceive as too friendly to the GOP.

And FOX News isn't happy

"Soros is just trying to muddy up the picture," said an embittered Roger Ailes, president of FOX News. "He's pissed that the Republicans have been so dominant for so long, and he thinks our ‘Fair and Balanced' approach has had something to do with it. So, if a new network just happens to show up on the dial, one that is only a single vowel different from FOX, then a lot of viewers might get tricked away, turned off, and then, ultimately, just tune out."

And the bastardized similarities aren't intended stop with just the titles.

Soros has endeavored to hire away on-air personalities from FOX over to FUX. He almost scored a coup with E.D Hill, the blonde lovely from the morning broadcast, Fox and Friends. But like the presidential election in ‘04, as so many on the right assert, he went too far and shot himself in the foot:

Soros jokingly teased to the television hostess, "Isn't it ironic? Your first name is E.D., yet you're infusing new blood into my network, making it healthy and strong; but another E.D. is killing my sex life, sapping all the old blood out of my-"

The deal went flat, like Mr. Soros' -you know.

Ditto for Neil Cavuto, who ultimately turned his nose up to hosting a project similarly entitled to his present weekend show, Cavuto on Business. "How in the world," he passionately posed to Soros, "can I gin up enough ‘relevant' topics to keep a show called Cavuto on Big-Headedness fresh, day after day!?"

Soros' muttered reply "just till the middle of November, when the elections are over" didn't cut it with the big-headed biz whiz.

Most all other FOX personalities, likewise, were cool to Soros and his big, big wallet. No A-list personalities would bite.

Two B-list men, however, did sign up, for two entirely different reasons.

First was Oliver North, who agreed to host Whore Stories, quite a change from his old weekend series, War Stories. Roger Ailes was especially furious at this loss; he felt Soros was taking advantage of Colonel North's recent, chronic malady, dubbed by unkind wags as "Double Embedment."

"Since that shrapnel got embedded in Ollie's head last time he was embedded with our boys in Iraq, his judgement hasn't been the same!" railed Mr. Ailes. "Soros should be ashamed of himself! Damned ashamed!!"

Be that as it may, the premiere episode of Whore Stories will entail harrowing stories of drunken American servicemen lured into houses of freaky ill-repute, where gender isn't always so clear cut. Will these poor G.I.'s -(Gonads inflamed) make it out with their dignity intact? Or will they turn their backs on the UCMJ and sneak back for more?

The second celebrity to jump ship was Geraldo Rivera. His reasoning. . . ? Well, when has Geraldo ever needed a reason to do anything? His show, On the Loose, kicks off with a wallop - only to end shortly thereafter when it runs smack dab into an impenetrable wall of truth.

The FUX people really hope it will put his earlier, greatest bust, The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault, to shame. They're counting on this already filmed catastrophe of an abortion to make that memorable broadcast blunder from years earlier trite in comparison. Soros, no slouch himself when it comes to predicting economic success, anticipates the train-wreck fascination factor will sustain re-runs every night, till about, oh, say mid-November, when the elections are safely over.

The studio Geraldo appeared in, so the camera filmed, had blow-ups of Nazi Germany's greatest propagandist in the background. For the opening monologue, Geraldo swore to the camera, he intended to stop at nothing seeking out and exposing the shocking connection between the Third Reich fiend so prominently displayed and a popular, supposedly innocent brand of modern day baby food that bears his family name; a bottle of which Geraldo cradled in his strong but gentle hands. "Is the Big Lie, somehow, not only still being told, again and again, but is it also being sold to our young!?" solemnly asked the mustachioed host, to a dramatic score.

Then, and only then, did a loud, disembodied voice explain to Geraldo the guy from Nazi Germany was surnamed Goebbels, the baby food is called Gerbers, there is absolutely no imaginable connection between the two, and, frankly, you kind of got the history behind the "Big Lie" confused. That's when the show went abruptly dark, right as a near apoplectic Geraldo let loose a stream of profanities.

(Insiders claim Mr. Soros only paid Geraldo for the pilot show, then sent him packing, right back to FOX, braying like a donkey.)

So, how might things shake out? Will this new channel, FUX, draw enough of the right away from FOX and, by extension, out of the voting booths come November 7th?

FOX might be Fair and Balanced, Informative and Entertaining-but Ollie pointing at he-girl's Wally's, and Gerald-oh pulling a major Bone-oh is going to be hard to beat.

So, you Republicans who drink deeply of your ideological kool-aid, this entertainment reporter says beware. Be on the look out for the this new channel; block it out with your remote before it's too late. Or you just might, over time due to repeated exposure, lose your political passion, space out the mid-term elections, and wake up on the morning of November 8th-to the stark realization Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are calling the shots in the U.S. Congress.

Make F Rheins's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 multiplied by 2?

5 2 20 22
78 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more