Written by IainB
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Topics: News, Dance, Channel 5, Ballet

Sunday, 13 May 2012

image for Channel 5 News to use interpretive dance
And in international news, Kim Jong Un has a missile instead of a penis

Channel 5 news introduced the stand-up news delivery to the television. This has been adopted by news agencies across the world, apart from the BBC who still sit down. Channel 4 news went half way, with the leaning on a table news presenter, whilst ITV claim that they invented the stand up news presenter, without any actual evidence to support their claim.

Now Channel 5 have decided that just standing still while delivering the news is so early twenty-first century.

"We have been training our news anchors in interpretive dance," said Pierce Nipples, head of news at Channel 5. "As they anchor the news, they will provide full flowing ballet or jazz dance to accompany it."

For serious news pieces, ballet will be used. Natasha Kaplinsky is said to be tempted to return to Channel 5 because she is a massive ballet fan.

"I left channel 5 because I found it insufficiently challenging," she said. "However, dancing while giving the news is so much more than simply reading it from the auto-cue."

For entertainment and gossip, the news anchors will either tap dance or perform an Irish Riverdance. Especially if several anchors are required to deliver the news. Channel 5 are still trying to work out how to get Natasha to use a pole while she anchors.

"We have employed a choreographer," said Nipples. "We are the first news channel to ever require a choreographer. This must mean that we are on the edge, edgy and dangerous. Exactly what people want in a news channel."

Channel 5 news currently stands behind BBC news, ITV news, Channel 4 news and Sky News in the news ranking. Even the presenters watch the other four news channels, rather than Channel 5 news. This is set to change.

"We fully expect to be higher in the rankings than Britain's Get Talons."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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