Written by Gregamemnon
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Saturday, 5 May 2012

image for Paul McCartney Stubbornly Refusing To Boost Album Sales By 'Dying'
McCartney says he'd rather gain new fans the good old-fashioned way, by leaking nude photos of himself on the internet.

LONDON--Despite the postmortem album sales success of such musicians as Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson, former Beatles frontman Paul McCartney is flat-out refusing to help increase the pop group's album sales by simply ending his own life.

"Personally, I find it to be incredibly selfish of him," said his manager, Charles Marto. "It's not like I'm asking him to do a 50-city tour or anything. Just a simple drug overdose would do. Or a garage-full of car exhaust if he prefers. Quick. Simple," he continued. "I guess I just don't understand why he's making this such a big deal."

Marto isn't alone in this. There are legions of followers around the world who believe a personal tragedy such as this is just what the former Beatles could use right about now.

"I love The Beatles," said longtime fan Brian Mortimer. "I've been listening to them since I was a kid. But lately? I guess I'm just growing bored with their music. But if he [McCartney] were to suddenly and mysteriously drop dead, well, I'd be the first to buy their entire discography on iTunes so that my coworkers would know just how big of a fan I am of them, and how much sadder than them I would be at the loss."

Continued Mortimer, "Perhaps my son will even start listening to them. He did for Whitney Houston, and the only thing he knew her from before she kicked it was that shitty Kevin Costner flick."

As for Marto, he says he's given this idea a lot of thought, and is convinced it's the only way. "I considered just urging him to retire, but his former manager already tried that before Paul's 50th birthday, and all that did was get the poor sap sacked," he said. "And I doubt people would give two shits if he had yet another divorce."

But despite Marto's surprisingly convincing 37-slide PowerPoint, McCartney is still refusing to give the idea any thought. Sources present say the aging entertainer kept citing ludicrous reasons for postponing his inevitable demise, such as making more music the world needs to hear, and wanting to spend more quality time with his family, of all things.

"I guess I could try getting in contact with Ringo again," Marto went on to say, before stopping the thought abruptly. "You know what, never mind. I doubt anyone would even notice."

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