Written by Eurocleese De Zouch

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Topics: X-Factor

Monday, 30 April 2012

X Factor auditionee, Kerry Rumbelows was mid way through the hit "I will survive" by beat combo Gloria Gaynor, when tragedy struck, and she was felled by a couple of tricky lyrics.

Rumbelows, 24, a former Gravy Stirer, was trotted out to perform on the show, when during the song, she was cut short by head Womble, Simon Cowell. Cowell barked "Oi, Kerry, I've saved a breeched Calf, and that would still sound much better than that gaping effort".

He ordered Kerry to try again, but to try it in another, yet experimental key of "N".

As Ms Rumbelows reached the poorly executed crescendo of "Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?" which ended up sounding like a Shepherd complementing a Chef, she started to choke, and collapsed into a ball that looked like Lenny Henry.

At the end of the performance, the judges voted by vomiting over a Louis Walsh lookalike. Simon had the deciding vote. He decided not to put her through as she sung it in the key of "J", not "N", which left him partly nauseous and slightly feral.

He also added that her Ghost could not sign one of his ludicrous contracts, thus automatically invalidating her performance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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