Spoof writers have been roundly condemned by the Archbishop of Dorking for repeatedly writing reams of absolute drivel about how crap Manchester City and Liverpool are at football.
"There's way too much of this bollock-toss on the site at the moment," the Archbishop announced. "I blame Manchester United supporters meself. Cocky Cockney bar stewards. Smug conceited fokkers. Bloody ruining the Spoof website with their inane gay football twaddle. My main concern is that when the season ends they'll start writing fucking idiotic bollocks about the world's largest penis, the world's most popular vagina, breast enhancement and people who drink their own piss. It's enough to make a God fearing citizen slash his wrists and jump off a tall building."
Writers for the Spoof held an emergency meeting in Philbert of Macadamia's garden shed, and issued a statement to the effect that they promise not to write any more sexually explicit material about Mario Balotelli, Manchester City, or Liverpool. No matter how unbelievably crap they may be.
Or anything related to Manchester City or Liverpool about pissing up ropes and wanking in the sink.
Or anything about blowing the bloody doors off.
"Some people think we've gone a bit soft," one writer remarked. "Don't you fucking believe it. Ruthless we are. Although we won't stoop to certain levels. No need for that bollocks. We're all dead sophisticated us, intellectual and that. We can raise a right fucking ruckus in pubs and stuff if we've a mind to, but most of the time we just can't be arsed. Besides that, some of us can still achieve and maintain an erection for considerably longer than seven seconds. Without resorting to writing fantasies about big tits and voluptuous teenage zombies and shit. And yes, I am a Manchester United supporter."
All of which means precisely nothing in the greater scheme of things.
More as we get it.