Written by Don Fulsom
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Sunday, 1 April 2012

Comedian Jackie Mason is now willing to forgive and forget what police say was an assault on him by his decades-younger girlfriend. Mason even joked about the case, using a slight variation on a famous line of the late Borsht Belt comedic genius Henny Youngman. Mason declared: "Take my girlfriend … please!"

Mason is married, but his wife does not live with him. Just where she lives and the status of their marriage are not known.

The frail and tiny comedian, 83, complained to police that his much bigger 48-year-old mistress scuffled with him over whether he could take more naps during the day.

The woman's name is not being released because the editor of this report is afraid she might try to punch him out too.

Mason tells reporters it was all a big misunderstanding. "Those bloody scratches on my back were really the result of lovemaking. The black eye? Just some hair dye I spilled on my face and forgot to wash off because I was in the mood for another nap. I love her, and I want her back ."

Sources close to the girlfriend say she awakened in their bed in Mason's swank Manhattan apartment and Mason was not there. They say she found the comedian napping on a couch in the living room.

"That's almost as bad as cheating on me," the girlfriend is said to have told friends. "I was steamed, but if he wants me back, I'll do it. I love the old guy too much … and not just because he's going to die, poor soul, way before I do …and, he said I'm his No. 1 mistress and will get most of the dough in his will. Then, she herself cracked a joke: "Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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