Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 20 March 2012

image for Dancing With The Stars Kicks Off Season 14 With A Bang!
Maria Menounos, co-host of "Extra" is one of the this year's sexiest celebrity dancers. (Photo by Rico Chorizo)

HOLLYWOOD - According to many entertainment media critics this years group of Dancing With The Stars celebrity dancers is probably the most talented in the entire 14 seasons.

One of the night's best performances was turned in by Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas. Jenkins is an opera singer from Wales who, as host Tom Bergeron noted, is top fashion model beautiful.

British Judge Len Goodman said that Katherine is a welcome breath of United Kingdom fresh air. Jenkins apologized for her heavy accent but Goodman assured her that none of the male viewers heard a single word she said since they were too busy looking at her fabulous pair of (Mmmms).

Bruno "The Gaytalian" Tonioli commented that if he were straight he would get on his hands and knees and beg Katherine "The Great" to marry him and his millions in a Naples minute.

Another viewer favorite was Jaleel White, better known as Urkel. He and his partner Australia's Kym Johnson, danced to the Baha Men song "Who Let The Dogs Out."

Jenkins and White both received very unusual first show scores of 9-8-9 for a total of 26 out of a possible 30.

The third place finisher was William Levy who is paired with Carrie Ann Inaba lookalike Cheryl Burke. Levy is regarded as the Brad Pitt of Mexico's telenovelas (soap operas). Cheryl and "Heat Wave," as Tonioli called him, danced a cha cha cha to the song "Jumping Jack Flash" by the Rolling Stones.

Burke and Pitt (Levy) were awarded scores of 8-8-8 for a total of 24 out of a possible 30.

And at the other end of the leader board; the bottom end - former tennis great Martina Navratilova and her partner Tony "Smiley" Dovolani finished tied for last place with pop singer Gavin "The Hat" DeGraw and his partner Karina "Vodka" Smirnoff and Melissa "The Little House of The Prairie" Gilbert and her partner Maksim "The Bad Boy of The Ballroom" Chmerkovskiy.

Navratilova spoke with Carolina Chipotle of Bedroom Pillow Talk after the show and informed her that she had not worn a dress, perfume, or a bra in 20 years.

She also pointed out that she had not had lipstick on her lips in over 30 years and that as soon as the show ended she ran to her dressing room and took the lipstick and makeup off because she was afraid of breaking out in hives.

SIDENOTE: Maksim Chmerkovskiy pointed out the fact that this is the first time that he can remember that two of the celebrity dancers are lesbianites. Martina is one and in case you do not know who the other one is here is a hint: "Hey pa, I think it would be a great idea to get ma a brand new butter churner for her birthday."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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