Popular "American Idol" star Taylor Hicks has been missing on that show's off-days lately - and The Spoof! has obtained the inside scoop.
A source at the Pentagon has confirmed that President Bush (who is reported to be a rabid fan of the twenty-nine year old, gray-haired singing sensation) has recently employed Hicks to train US troops in hand-to-hand combat.
"After Dubyah saw his performance of "Takin' It To The Streets," it was pretty much a no-brainer" says our source, who wishes to remain anonymous.
Hicks' performance of that song included some now infamous dance moves, including a wild-armed sweeping motion now codenamed "The Windmill."
"Hicks is a natural," our source, James Smith, continues. "He is teaching our troops to lure the enemy in close with a smooth rendition of "My Girl" just before unleashing the Windmill on them." This enables us to take out individual targets while still remaining humane and keeping death tolls low. President Bush wants to ensure his ratings polls go up for when he mandates a third term in office."
Why that particular song, "My Girl" though? We ask our source. "Hey, even Iraqis love Motown," says Mr. Smith..
Meanwhile, Hicks' American Idol co-contestants are stumped as to his current whereabouts. "I have no idea where he is," states diminutive songstress Paris Bennett. "He just shows up on Tuesdays, blows most of us off the stage and then leaves again."
"It's true," confirms Chicken Little lookalike Kevin Covais. "In fact, most people don't realize that it's not even Taylor sitting with us on the results show Wednesday nights - it's Jon Peter Lewis from Season Three, holding up a cardboard cutout of Taylor's head."
"Yeah," nods a toothsome Ace Young. "It's sad, really. Lewis has been kicking around the set for years now. Just has no place else to go, I guess."
Neither Hicks nor representatives for American Idol could be reached for comment. Idol panelist Simon Cowell did send an email stating that he felt Tony Blair could do a better job if he grew a beard and wore a dress to Parliament, but we really have no idea what that means.