"I didn't do it! It's a load of old nonsense!" farmer's wife Eliza Scud protested today, as she addressed allegations of a disturbingly erotic nature, posed to her by a man with nothing better to do.
"We don't even have a hay loft, I'm not a farmer's wife, and I don't live in a village!" she protested. "As a matter of fact, the closest I ever came to rural living, is driving a Chelsea tractor on the school run down through Hammersmith. The whole thing is preposterous! You people ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves, reporting such piffle!"
The man with nothing better to do, was however, undeterred.
Relentlessly pressing his point home, he alleged that Mrs Scud had been caught on CCTV doing the dirty with a village idiot dressed in a Somerset style farmer's smock, whilst chewing on a piece of straw.
The village idiot that is, not Eliza Scud.
At which point, Skoob News supremo Buffty Ginslinger intervened in the interests of common decency.
"This isn't really a proper news story, is it?" he challenged.
"Well, if you put it like that..." said the man with nothing better to do.
"I'll get me coat..." announced the straw sucking supposed village idiot.
"Awww - it's all a load of old bollocks is this!" Ginslinger groaned.
"Utterly preposterous!" the farmer's wife concurred.
"So...what time's the next train to Taunton then?" the so-called village idiot asked.
"Oh, for God's sake! How can one possibly be expected to know that?" said the farmer's wife.
There's not a lot one can say to that.
More as we get it.