Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 14 March 2012

image for Lindsay Lohan Opens Porsche Driving School for Young Girls
Uniforms for Lindsay Lohan's Charm and Driving School for Young Girls

In a preemptive move to what most experts believe will be another prolonged series of court appearances for Ms. Lohan, Lindsay announced early this morning that she will be opening a series of charm and driving schools for young aspiring actresses.

"Well, you can't hit someone with your Porsche and expect to avoid some pesky little repercussions", says long time Lohan assistant, Virginia Wolfe. "Unless you're Lindsay, that is".

The troubled actress had just convinced a Los Angeles County judge that she (Lohan) had truly mended her wicked ways. Lohan's lawyers claimed that the star was ready to be released from house arrest and the oversized and quite unfashionable ankle jewelry that came with it.

"Until she blasted out of a Hollywood club and crushed a couple of fenders on her Porsche, with some guy's body", says Hollywood Police Sergeant, Andy Kuffmy. "I'm sure it's another case of a pedestrian, literally jumping out of nowhere and throwing himself in front of Lindsay's car."

Anticipating more negative press and perhaps a thrown book or two at Ms. Lohan from the same Judge that had shown her leniency, Lohan's lawyers have prepared the paperwork to set Lindsay up as a respected small business owner.

"We believe Ms. Lohan wants to become a productive member of society, and this school for young girls shows her commitment to that end", says Willy Lyman. "Lindsay Lohan's Charm and Driving School for Young Girls will be THE place to send young Hollywood hopefuls in search of their free-on-bond Hollywood dreams. Tuition will include a full time law team at the student's disposal, but Porsche's are not included", added Lyman.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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