Written by Ellie James
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Friday, 9 March 2012

image for Demi Moore Enters Celebrity Math Rehab
Participants can look forward to months of math problems like the ones above, only more difficult.

Palm Springs, CA - Filming began this week for this season's Celebrity Math Rehab where actress Demi Moore, 49, has settled in quite nicely.

Moore was the last of the celebrities to join the cast, and only agreed to do so with pressure from many of her friends since she had begun having trouble doing rudimentary math.

A close friend of Moore's who did not wish to give her name reported that she had actually begun worrying about Moore's math ability around the time she married Ashton Kutcher.

Said her friend, "We all thought, at first, she was attracted to his rugged good looks or perhaps his ability to take good photographs with all of his cameras. We learned too late that Demi just couldn't subtract anymore. She couldn't calculate the 15 and a half age difference. Pity. He did take good pictures."

The math reality show's producers are tight lipped as to what exactly Moore and the other celebrities will be doing during their time in rehab, but if the rehab counselors have anything to do with it, rudimentary math will be the first math to conquer.

Long time counselor and one time participant, Persi Diaconis will most likely discuss at great length his theories of randomness. Diaconis had stated previously that he wanted to continue to give back to the community since the center helped him in his greatest moment of need back when he was a professional magician.

This is the first season Dr. Patrick Brosnan and Dr. Linda Keene will join the staff at the rehab facility. Brosnan is reportedly excited to discuss his paper on Hodge Theory, just as Keene is trilled to teach hyperbolic dynamics. Both are quite nervous about the first week as watching the celebrities go through the mental math detoxification process can be quite horrific to watch.

This is the fourth season The John Nash Mathematics Rehabilitation Center have hosted Celebrity Math Rehab. Dr. Ian Bronsen, the center's Director of Linear Algebra, stated that he is hopeful all celebrities do well in the program. While he has had a soft spot for Moore ever since he saw the movie Ghost, he treats all program participants equally.

Says Dr. Bronsen, "There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily, and those who can't. I am confident Demi Moore will not only master rudimentary math in the coming months, but will also be able to solve linear algebra.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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