Television's flattest headed peddler of crap, Simon Cowell, is in advanced talks with the Queen in an attempt to convince her to be a judge on his new regality show, 'The HRH Factor'.
Her majesty actually came up with the idea and pitched it to Cowell. It is believed that she is disgruntled with her heir's to the throne and also bored with doing the job herself. Once a winner is found she will jack it in and hand over her crown.
The new regality show will find and crown our next monarch after a gruelling set of challenges. Simon Cowell revealed some of the qualities the show will be looking for in it's quest to find our next King or Queen.
Cowell explained, "The contestants will have to be able to speak in an accent reminiscent of 1950's T.V announcers. They must be able to drink a cup of tea with their pinky stuck out. It is also important that they can wave in a ridiculous manner and wear silly hats without looking silly. Strong neck muscles are required as the crown is very heavy. Most crucially, we are looking for someone who will look good on stamps and money."
Cowell continued, "The show is sure to be a massive hit for ITV. With the Queen celebrating her diamond jubilee it is the perfect way for her to bow out in a blaze of TV glory. The monarchy is a bit tired and needs jazzing up a bit. Her Majesty is acutely aware of this. Plus, she's had enough of it all."
Prince Charles is said to be gutted at the revelation. His favourite shrub told us, "He was very upset but he's getting over it. In fact, he is considering moving into television himself by resurrecting 'Ground Force'. He's a big fan of Charlie Dimmock and told me he would like to rename the show 'What a Pair of Charlies!'"
If the Queen agrees to be a judge, she will sit on the panel with Cowell, Louis Walsh, who knows a queen when he sees one, Dame Helen Mirren, who has played the Queen twice and Colin Firth, who played her father, King George VI in 'The King's Speech'.
The first auditions are scheduled to begin in Little Divot on Monday June 11th. For more details contact Liz Mountbatten at the Little Divot village hall