Written by Simon Saunders
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Monday, 5 March 2012

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Angelina Jolie could be in Little Divot in May for the festival. Phwoar.

In a break with tradition, and common sense, organisers of the Cannes International Film Festival have decided to up sticks and move to the once sleepy village of Little Divot.

Festival president, Gilles Jacob-Cremecraquer, made the decision after a recent holiday in the neighbouring village of Even Littler Divot. He explained his decision through an interpreter, "I visited the region last summer and thought it was a beautiful place for us to hold the festival at some time in the future. I am not concerned by the recent crime epidemic. If anything it makes Little Divot even more appealing. I realise that the Cannes Film Festival is usually held in Cannes, but with the recent problems in Cannes I decided to move it to Little Divot."

Mr Cremecraquer was referring to the recent attack on Cannes by a vicious group of flying monkey/badger hybrids, dubbed 'Bonkey's' by French newspaper 'Le Merde'.

Local MP, Tarquin Picklington-Flapjack, expressed his delight at the news. He gushed, "All those big movie stars coming to Little Divot is so exciting. After the recent troubles, it is a chance for us to show the good side of the village. I hope Angelina Jolie will be here, I'd love to give her one and you never know, it might happen now."

However, not everyone is impressed by the announcement.

Village busybody and retired racist, Wally Spanker, 68, had this to say, "I couldn't give a toss about a load of blood sucking, overpaid, oversexed, drugged up, boozy, pampered actors coming here.. I'm sure that some of the idiots round here enjoy gawping at celebrities, but I don't. The village is going down the shitter anyway after all the crime recently. This will be the final flush that ends it all. I hate fun and enjoyment, so I'll be on standby with my shotgun to make sure there isn't any. By the way, will Angelina Jolie be here, she's alright. I'd love to give her one."

Some of the films hotly tipped to win the Palm D'or include, 'The Prime Minister's Smile', starring Colin Firth as former PM Gordon Brown. The film charts Brown's attempt to overcome his inability to smile like a human being rather than a demented robot.

The tragic biopic of Jim Davidson's life, entitled 'How To Be A Twat And Lose Your Audience', starring Michael Sheen as Davidson and directed by the legendary Percy Bikeclips.

The third film in the reckoning is 'Ironing Man 17', Robert Downey Sr. Jr's latest offering about a man who saves the world from disaster by ironing a few shirts, again.

The Cannes International Film Festival will be held in the Little Divot village hall week beginning May 7th.

If anyone has a film projector please contact Little Divot Film Society President, Eric Bottomflap, before the end of April. He can usually be found lying face down in the gutter outside the Little Divot Inn at about 11pm on weekdays. 12 midnight at weekends.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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