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Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Miami, FL--Everyone knows that long hair makes for better rock music, but did you know that it makes for a better planet, too?

The sold-out crowd at American Airlines Arena in Miami, FL, was stunned last night when the elfin Radiohead frontman, Thom Yorke, emerged on the stage sporting a ponytail.

"I knew his hair was getting long," Adrian Wetley, a longtime fan of the band, said after the show, "but I never expected it to be ponytail long."

Yorke's ponytail might just be the biggest surprise the band has thrown at us yet.

Radiohead, one of the biggest rock acts on the planet in recent years, shocked the world and themselves back in 1997 when they came "back to save the universe" with their critical smash OK Computer, recently named the top album of the 90s by a music poll in Paste, a music magazine that recently went bankrupt and canceled its print magazine in favor of a web-only publication. The band continued to shock the world by reinventing electronic music for a popular audience (take that, Aphex Twin), offering pay-as-you-want downloads, and releasing overly expensive yet short and divisive newspaper albums complete with acid blotter paper. Of course there's also Thom Yorke's environmental activism. And let's not forget when the band played with the USC marching band on the Grammy's a few years back.

All of that pales in comparison to Thom Yorke's stunning new 'do. The hair sent many indie music girls dropping to their knees as they drooled over the aging singer and his moves.

The ponytail isn't just a publicity stunt. According to a pre-show interview, Yorke announced his decision to grow his hair long was based on the latest environmental research.

New findings, according to Yorke, indicate that human hair, especially male human hair, absorbs more carbon dioxides than plants and trees.

"It's true," Yorke said to the flabbergasted DJ. "Human hair is the most efficient reducer of carbon emissions in the world. The hair on my head absorbs more carbon emissions than a whole forest."

Pointing to his hair and even running his fingers through it, Yorke went on to cite numerous recent studies from renowned scientists about the benefits of long hair.

"Given that we travel the world to tour, having long hair is the least I can do to help the global conditions," the lazy-eyed singer said with a smile.

The graying Yorke shook his long locks often as the band kicked off its world tour in style in Miami. The band blistered through a 24-song set, opting to skip most of its more popular songs to play loads of music from its latest critical success, The King of Limbs.

Some fans were more pleased by the hair than the music choices. "I really wanted to hear 'Creep'," Jerry Jackson told the press after the show, "but just seeing Thom Yorke dance around with that ponytail was enough for me."

Not everyone in attendance was on board with the ponytail. Tammy Tammerson said, "I liked it better when his hair was short and their albums were longer and more innovative."

When told of the hair's positive impact on the planet, Tammerson said she thought pop stars should worry more about the music they produce and less about the world.

"We've got politicians to take care of that for us," Tammerson said as she walked away in her new organic Radiohead t-shirt.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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