Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 27 February 2012

image for Angelina Jolie Named The Skinniest Actress At The 84th Annual Academy Award Show
Billy Crystal shown at a New York Yankees game back in September. (Photo by Regis Philbin).

HOLLYWOOD - The 84th Annual Academy Awards Show was hosted by Billy "The Pistol" Crystal.

Crystal first began hosting the award show back when there were only four Great Lakes. There are some people who still recall that Billy actually wrote some jokes for President Woodrow "Woody" Wilson's inauguration speech.

The Yiddish comedian says that he is only 63, but the Farmers Almanac lists him as having been born on March 14, 1928, which would actually make him 83.

Missy Wonderbox of Hollywood Innuendo stated that she spoke with Crystal backstage and that he certainly does not look 83.

She said that he confided to her that for the past 15 years he has been getting daily botox injections along with drinking a daily 24 ounce tumbler of a liquid concoction that is imported three times a week from Costa Rica.

Crystal was very hesitant to reveal exactly what the drink is but did add that some of the ingredients include reconstituted banana seeds, reinvigorated papaya stems, and reconditioned crushed guacamole pits.

He proudly told Miss Wonderbox that his body is free of any cellulite, stretch marks, or estrogen hormones.

Crystal was asked by Miss W which of the evening's celebrities surprised him the most. He made a popping sound with his lips and said that he was shocked when he saw Angelina Jolie.

Wonderbox asked him if it was because of the fact that Jolie's lips seemed to have doubled in size.

"No." Replied the New York City comedian.

"Well are you shocked at the amount of tattoos that she has all over her body?"

Crystal answered that he has pretty much seen all of her tattoos at once time or another. He then expressed that he was shocked to see how skinny Jolie has gotten.

He said that she looks a lot like LeAnn Rimes except that LeAnn can sing, she's a blonde, and she can only speak one language.

Billy stated that when he first saw Jolie in a black dress with a full length slit on the side, walk in with Brad (Pitt) he had to do a double take because it looked like Brad was holding a black swizzle stick in his hand.

Jolie revealed to Crystal that her goal is to lose about 15 more pounds. She smiled and said that once she does that she will be able to wear her five-year-old daughter Shiloh Diamond Pitt-Jolie's clothes since little Shiloh hates wearing little girl's clothes and will wear only boy clothes.

When Jolie was asked what she attributes her weight loss to, she grinned and said that she is on a special diet that was suggested to her by her long time friend Demi "The Cougar" Moore.

Angelina said that the diet consists of one six-ounce glass of diet water for breakfast, one Saltine Cracker for lunch, and one six-ounce glass of diet water with one drop of blue food coloring for dinner.

The weight loss is really working as evidenced by the fact that the group of assembled reporters unofficially named Angelina Jolie as the skinniest actress at The Academy Award Show.

SIDENOTE: When Angelina excused herself to go to the ladies room Brad told Miss Wonderbox that he had not told Angie but that he had seen his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston's latest movie Wanderlust. He confided to Miss W that he has not been able to stop thinking about Jen and recalling the fantastic vavavooming.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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