Written by Gregamemnon
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Friday, 24 February 2012

image for The Titanic Would Never Have Hit That Iceberg Had Mark Wahlberg Been Aboard, According To Mark Wahlberg
Icebergs: terrorists of the sea, and natural enemies of Mark Wahlbergs.

BOSTON--A-list action star and D-list daydreamer Mark Wahlberg, is once again a total badass and hero of the world, in his mind. In an interview with Men's Journal, Mr. Wahlberg claims that if he had been on board the ill-fated Titanic, he would have "totally stopped that shit [the Titanic] from sinking."

This statement comes after a January 18th interview with the same publication, in which Mr. Wahlberg claimed that had he been aboard one of the planes on 9/11, he would have gone all Micky from The Fighter on their asses and landed the plane somewhere safe. These comments quickly drew harsh backlash and ire from the community and victims' families alike, who felt the comments were insensitive, but would still probably go see the movie based off them anyway if he decides to make it, because he is Mark Wahlberg after all.

Luckily for Wahlberg, there are no surviving family members of victims aboard the Titanic, so his comments only managed to offend James Cameron.

"If I had been on board the Titanic, and alive somehow, and had some believable reason for traveling from Southhampton, England to New York City, I know things wouldn't have gone down the way they did," said a straight-faced Wahlberg. "I mean, what's an iceberg anyway? Frozen water? Come on now. I'm Mark Wahlberg for Christ's sake."

"Besides, I've never captained a ship before," he added. "Sounds fun."

As of press time, the Contraband star was reportedly daydreaming up a scenario in which, somehow, he single-handedly prevents the holocaust.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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