Written by dallaspierce
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Sunday, 5 March 2006

Auto Erotic Asphyxiation Suspected

The 78-year-old's body was discovered in a room in the Chateau Marmont Hotel, just as nominees are expected to step out onto the red carpet at the Academy Awards ceremony Sunday.

Police held a news conference at the hotel, indicating only that a plastic bag and a leather belt were found inside the room, but they said there were no suspicious circumstances.

Bald, short and wanted by everyone on Hollywood's A-List, Oscar is believed to have had dinner with his parents last night, who have been informed of his death.

Executives from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and ABC, Inc., the sponsors of the upcoming 78th Annual event featuring Oscar, were purported to be in shock over the incident.

The famous, but much less well-known Firenza, was being considered as a last minute substitute, but network executives believed the statue to be far too similar in appearance to the late Orson Wells.

David, Aries, Poseidon, and other well- known naked Romans and Greeks were also believed to be too articulated and mocking for the theme of one of the nominees, and another possibility, Narcissus, too offensive to the persona of another.

Ultimately, and least offensive to all was an 11th hour consensus reached by Academy and network officials to use a homeless guy who had apparently been "performing" just outside the Kodak Theatre on the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and Highland Avenue. The guy had painted himself gold and was apparently doing a very poor impersonation of a mime, so as relieve passers-by of their small change.

Like many acts from the past, Oscar's popularity had been waning in recent years, and ratings for his latest show were believed to be among the lowest in recent memory.

Oscar was believed by friends and relatives to have found happiness recently, as he was purported to have been dating Bob Geldof's ex-wife. However, Giorgio Armani had recently let Oscar into his signature Beverly Hills boutique to talk about his vision for the past 20 Academy Awards, but Oscar spilled a drink on some of the clothes and put a cigarette out on Armani's jacket sleeve and was asked to leave.

In an Oscar.com exclusive, Designer Marc Bouwer talks about the dress he created for Angelina Jolie and predicts upcoming fashion trends.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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