Written by Menominee
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Monday, 20 February 2012

As Oscar fever reaches fever pitch George Clooney has inflated himself with a potentially dangerous level of helium and is hovering several feet above Los Angeles spouting epithets.

More surprisingly Brad Pitt, of whom nothing was expected, has nevertheless begun spurting uncontrollably into the sea from the Santa Monica promenade.

Glenn Close, best remembered for setting fire to Michael Douglas during a cruel anti-gay diatribe in the late 80s, has taken out full page advertisements in the Hollywood press extolling the virtues of her breasts.

Gary Oldman, star of depressing Brit-flick spy yarn Tinker Tailor Loser Weeper, has set up camp in a tent across the road from the Kodak Theater and has lit over two hundred candles to bring public attention to something or other.

Sean Penn, fresh from his recent intervention in the ongoing UK-Argentina Falklands stramash but with nothing topical to promote, has bypassed LA completely and has returned to his partner-bashing recovery unit in Idaho.

This year's Oscar host Sir Bruce Forsyth arrived in town this evening and said, "Nice to see you.....to see you NICE." He was then gunned down by a chapter of the Billy Crystal West LA Hell's Angel Posse and a new host is being urgently sought by the organizers.

More Oscar news as it arrives.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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